Tuesday, January 5, 2016


I think my least favorite compliment is to be told I'm strong. I'm not strong at all, I'm just stubborn. If I don't go to the grocery store, or pay the bills, or teach myself to do taxes, or push myself to keep going when I just want to stop and cry, nothing gets done at my house.

I'm the only adult. I have a kid and two cats counting on me. I'm not strong at all. I often wish I never was, like in Its a Wonderful Life. I don't think I have it in me to hurt myself. But I wish I never existed. I wish that everyone I know, or ever knew, would go on living their lives as if they never met me.

I'm depressed. Its not just the break up, it's everything. It's work, and my ex, and my kid, and my friends, and my parents, and my finances, and my ever growing to-do list.

I get up and show up and through sheer force of will, I keep raising a kid and going to work. No one else thinks anything of it. But it's so fucking hard. I don't want to do any of this. I want to lay in my bed and cry and sleep. I want someone to notice that I'm at a breaking point, they don't have to fix me, just acknowledge me, hug me, sit with me for a minute.

It had been months since I had an anxiety attack. Yesterday I had two.
I keep myself physically busy, but my brain never stops. Sometimes I wish I were just a bit dumber so that my brain would focus on one task at a time. I can be watching tv or reading or working, and doing fine and absorbing that, and at the same time, my brain is overclocking itself.

My sleep is all fucked up. I needed pills to get me to sleep. Then I could get to sleep easily enough on my own but could never get enough. Two sleep studies later, I'm slapped with a sleep apnea diagnosis and handed a CPAP machine which all but guarantees I'll never have sex again. I finally got used to the stupid darth vader mask and sleep with it for most of the night, but now I'm back to not being able to sleep. My brain sits there replaying conversations, playing out worst case scenarios, pointing out my every flaw. Do you know why I'm able to be so funny and give a minimal amount of fucks what anyone thinks of me? Because nothing anyone can say to me is half as mean as what I think about myself.

My brain will be the death of me.

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