New Year, New Me…Maybe

I suck at New Years Resolutions. But to be fair, I never take them very seriously. And it's usually just lose weight, but I'm in a committed relationship with carbs. I do want to do better. I read an article that if you want to make changes in your life, you need to do it before you turn 30 or its less likely to stick.

So I've been hitting the gym more frequently. Which isn't too hard because anytime I make it to the gym is better than the last year or so of my life when I went to the gym precisely zero times.  I joined a gym again and I've been dragging my ass in 3 times a week on my non-kiddo weeks. I mostly just run on the treadmill and spend the time calculating how many slices of pizza I'm earning by being at the gym. I avoid the weights section because its full of gigantic muscley  guys and I'm afraid to look like an idiot in front of them.

My pizza-meditation runs were lasting about 2 miles but since I've developed insomnia in the last few months, I've kicked the runs up to 4 miles, trying to exhaust myself so I'll sleep. 4 miles is too long to just contemplate pizza, so I also make a game of people watching. Did you know there is a whole contingent of old men who work out in jeans? Its the craziest thing. There are also a few senior couples who come in and will wait until they can get machines next to each other. So dang cute.

I also lost a ton of weight in my phone. I went through and deleted all the superfluous guy numbers. The guys who couldn't sustain a conversation so I never met up with them, the guys I hooked up with but it never went anywhere, the guys I might text when I'm drunk at 2AM on a Saturday. Gone.

The gym also serves to keep me distracted. For the past few months, on my non-kid weeks, I have plans every night. Either a date with a guy or with girlfriends. I wasn't leaving time to run errands and take care of the house or me. I'd been doing such a great job distracting myself from the loneliness of missing the kid, that I'd burnt myself out. So for the next few months, I'm cutting back. Or I'll try to. One or two outings a week. The rest of the time? Gym, chores, shower, relax.

Happy New Year!

What I want

"I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals, but knows to just shut his mouth when I'm watching Lost. And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks, as needed, like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms like a damn Disney prince. And I want him to genuinely like me even when I'm old. And that's what I want." -Liz Lemon (Tina Fey)

This is a quote from 30 Rock, but its no less true for me. But instead of Lost, please hush up when I'm watching a crime show. I need all the clues and evidence so I can solve the crime. Obviously.

I want a man who is sweet and kind. Who makes me think, "This is real love, this is how its supposed to be." Who does thoughtful gestures. Who will kill spiders for me and take out the trash because those are my least favorite things to do.

I want a man who good to my kid. Who sees him as a bonus not baggage. Who doesn't try to be a replacement dad, just a good role model. Who will to show my son how a good man treats the woman he loves. Who wants to come to the park with us.

I want a man who is a man. Who is driven and has a good work ethic. Who can fix things around the house and change a flat tire. Who is strong but gentle. Who has not just a job but a career. Who pays his own bills and knows how to file his taxes. Who is done living the college life and wants to have a partner, not a mommy.

I want a man who is a good kisser. Who is passionate and affectionate. Who is willing to communicate. Who will still want to take me out on a date even if we've been together for years. Who will let me go out with the girls and not worry or pout, because he knows I'm coming home to him.

I want a man who is smart. Who knows I'm smart too, and thinks that's good. Who likes to go boogie boarding or go karting, but equally enjoys watching football on the couch. Who will let me into his heart and mind, and make me feel safe enough to share my heart and mind with him as well.

It would also be pretty great if he could be at least semi-handsome, know how to cook more than ramen, and clean the bathroom every once in a while.

And that's what I want.

Clean

I'm detoxing from Tom. That Tom. Tom who has consumed nearly a year of my life. I'm feeling more and more confident that I can cut him out of my life because he keeps being so ridiculous.

Two weeks ago, I was falling asleep around 9pm, which is rare for me. Tom and I had been texting and so I let him know that I was going to bed. He got irritated because he wanted to keep talking. My smart mouth said something about how he's frequently been falling asleep early, and not even saying anything to me, just passing out. Which I don't care about a whole lot, but if he's going to be mad at me? Stupid.

We didn't talk for 4 days. And I didn't even notice. But then I did notice and I obsessed about it and texted him. So we talked for another few days.

I live in Seattle. The Seahawks' quarterback is Russell Wilson who is a total cutie, and single. Every Tuesday he visits children at a local hospital. My boss's daughter has had to go to Children's hospital for the last few weeks (nothing major) and I jokingly told my boss that if she sees Russell, to give him my number. I told Tom this and its been radio silence ever since. Knowing him like I do, I know he's pissed. But I'm not sorry. I'm not actually going to meet Russell Wilson. Its just something funny to think about. And I'm sure he's never had a celebrity crush or looked at any other women? Bullshit.

I'm not going to apologize. I asked the girls if I was in the wrong. They said since I have a "plan" to give Russell my number, they can see how he might be hurt, but mostly that Tom's just stupid.

I have more than enough to keep me busy anyway. I think I can finally let this guy go.

Picky

**As a counter to this, I'm also working on things about men that are great. I do like men, but they can be really fucking stupid.**

Dear Men From Various Online Dating Websites,

Here is a non-comprehensive list of reasons I didn't respond to your message:

• You are shorter than me. Sure, this is shallow. But being taller that someone makes me feel gangly and masculine and unattractive. I have a hard enough time hanging out with a girlfriend of mine who is 5'3. And plus, am I going to have to pick you up to kiss you? Pass.
• You are more than a year younger than me. I'm in my late 20s. But I would wager that I'm more mature than people my age. I don't know if its because I'm an only child and I'm used to hanging out with adults, because I'm a mom, whatever. Most of my friends are older. Everyone I've dated is older. If you are younger and can demonstrate that you have your shit together, we can talk. 
• You can't spell. I know it's texting or just the internet. But I won't have "hey u r pretty." I just won't. 
• You call me honey, sweetie, cutie, baby, hottie. I don't know you, please call me by my name. 
• You say something unambiguously sexual.  I don't know you. I'm not currently interested in the contents of your pants. 
• You write "hi." and nothing else. This is boring and not a conversation starter. Ask me anything. "How was your day?" "What's your favorite flavor of ice cream?" Literally anything. Or tell me something interesting. Make an effort and stand out.
• You can't sell yourself at all. If you say any of these things, I'm so out. Why on earth would I spend time on someone who, given time to think about how they want to present themselves, chooses the most standard, boring, generic sentiments possible. 
• "I don't like writing about myself." 
• "I'm a pretty average guy." 
• "I like to have fun and laugh."
• "If you want to know anything just ask."
• If every single picture is a selfie. I get it, really I do. Some best pictures of me are selfies because you can stand there and take the picture over and over again until you get your angle right. But, my concern is that selfies don't always look true to how you look in person. And do you not have any friends that will take a picture of/with you?
• If all your pictures are group shots. I'm not so invested in this that I'm going to play detective and try and figure out which guy you are. I'm going to assume you're the ugly one and move on. 
• Your face is obscured in all the pictures. I'm going to assume you're ugly and move on.
• You aren't in any of the pictures. I'm going to assume you're ugly and move on.
• Your children are in the picture and their faces are clearly visible. Its not a deal breaker if you have kids. What is a dealbreaker is that you are either using your kids to get girls or don't care about putting your child's face on the internet for any random creeper to see. 
• If I'm Tindering (yeah its a verb now) on a particularly grouchy day, I'll also swipe left if you have the following:
• a picture holding a fish you caught. You all have this picture. I do not find it interesting.
• a picture with a tiger. Do you know how much they drug those tigers and what a miserable life they must have? I hope the tiger mauls you.
• a shirtless selfie. Douche
• Pictures with you and some girl and no explanation. If you say, "Oh that's my sister or my friend," cool, I believe you. If you put nothing, I'm going to assume you guys are/were together. And I don't care that you have exes. We all do. I do care that either, 1)You guys broke up a while ago and this picture is old and no longer looks like you. 2) you're actually still together and just looking for your next girlfriend. 3) It's just weird. 

Lost

It was a weird day. I cleaned up the house, had lunch with a friend and then went to hang out with a guy. I don't know what I was expecting but it turned out different. We had sex and then I was kind of shown the door. So as I'm walking away, feeling like a whore, and kind of all mixed up, I passed a tattoo shop.

I've toyed with the idea of a tattoo for a while now. I have a couple ideas but I'm not sure I'm ready for something so permanent. I'm not great with commitment in any form. One of my hang ups about a tattoo is that my mom is forever telling me, "Nice girls don't get tattoos."

But I'm not a nice girl anymore.

I get this feeling once in a while, like itchy almost, where I need a change, I need to do something drastic. Usually I move, or color my hair. Sometimes I drop out of school. Once, I got a piercing. Most often, I'll go buy something edgy to wear, killer jewelry, a leather jacket, some "fuck me" heels. So as I walk past the tattoo shop, I think, maybe today's the day.

It was about 2pm on a Saturday, but I'd already had a drink that day. Can you get a tattoo if you've only had one drink? Fuck it. I go in and flip through some portfolio books, but I'm completely overwhelmed by the people that work there. Tatted from head to toe. I feel like a stupid child who doesn't know anything about anything.

So I leave and keep walking. Feeling rather shitty about myself because I'm intimidated by a tattoo shop. And I pass a Catholic church. Maybe this is the answer? I was raised Catholic. 12 years of Catholic school. I enter the church and sit in a row. And I cry a bit. And my mind wanders. I sit for about 30 minutes, but I don't feel any better so I leave.

Two blocks later, I pass a bar. And the moment felt right so I went in, posted up on the barstool and watched football and just sat for 4 vodka-crans. Half drunk and feeling better, I caught a bus to another bar for two more rounds with a friend.

When I'm not a work or being a mom, I don't know what I'm doing. And I end up filling the time with bad decisions. I'm just lost.

Jay

So I texted a little bit with Jay about our last time together. I told him if we hang out again, it can't go like that, he can't be so rough. His response was "If we hang out again?"

To which I told him that I feel bad and I feel at fault for the miscommunication, but basically he scared me. And I admitted its not fair to him because I should have kept speaking up for myself (I guess?). He said, "Oh. Scared? Oh. Okay." And that was it. I don't know what to say to that. I had to tell him that I wasn't ok with what happened, I wasn't ok with all the bruises and shit, I wasn't ok that he didn't listen to me. And if I kept saying nothing and continuing to see him, its all my fault if he hurts me again.

This whole situation is bullshit. I talked to my therapist (Surprised? I'm only half joking when I say it takes a lot of pharmaceutical drugs to make me functional) about it and he couldn't figure out what I should have done differently. I was scared. This gigantic guy I thought I could trust is hitting me. I tell him not to and stops for a little bit, but then continues to do it. And not just hit me, but tell me he likes that its hurting me. I understand there is a whole world of BDSM stuff that goes on. That was not what Jay and I had negotiated. We had really amazing, fun, and mildly rough sex on several other occasions. This was scary and not fun.

Jay and I have always been really honest with each other. So when I texted and told him that wasn't a fun experience for me, it irritates me that he basically has nothing to say. I don't even think I was expecting an apology, just an acknowledgment that next time would be different. And he couldn't, or wouldn't, give me that.

Then two weeks later, when a potential first date cancelled a half hour before dinner, I went to see Jay. Of course we had sex. And Jay was gentle. Gentle to the point that it was unsatisfying, but I guess I'm a sexual Goldilocks and its a fine line to get it just right. Oh well.

We got dressed and he took me to dinner. I like walking with him, its so natural to link arms with him. We went back to his apartment and listen to music and talked about nothing for a while. Then because he's Jay, he pontificated about his career and what he needs to go to make a name for himself. This was an interesting topic, but at this point, I've heard the speech so many times, and I don't know anything about his industry, so I can't contribute and I just feel like a groupie.

Then Jay started to not feel well so I called a car and went home. I think I have this guy nearly out of my system. Its just not fun anymore.

Update to The Experiment

Remember that time I applied for beautifulpeople.com?

I'm in! The internet thinks I'm beautiful! My whole existence is validated!

Nah.

This website is super weird.  In addition to being a dating site (maybe?) there is a section for job postings, and a section listing events I can go to and bring friends. Like book launch parties and other sorts of things where they want a bunch of attractive people to show up and make the party look good. I guess.

There's an option to pay for premium access because of course there is. Pass. And now that I'm a member I get to vote on other applicants. The whole thing makes me feel gross. Its superficial and shallow and feels like high school. Except in high school, I'm pretty sure no one thought I was beautiful.

This website is also international. There's the options for job postings and party invites, but the site advertises itself as being a dating website. Which is super helpful if I wanted a boyfriend who lived in England. I'd have so many takers. But that's not really my objective…

And the only local guy checking me out is a very average looking 47 year old. Which is basically old enough to be my dad. I'm definitely in favor of older guys because I have a low tolerance for man-children, but I think 40 is the cutoff.

Look at this douchey email. They want me to tweet that I'm a member and say "I am beautiful. Join my beautiful world, if you can."

Holy Shit. What kind of awful people write this stuff. "Join…if you can"? I will bet my face, my literal face, that the guys who started this website are unattractive, bitter assholes.

I think mostly, I'm already biased against the site because its so superficial. More superficial than Tinder. Part of me also feels "I wouldn't want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member." I don't think of myself as beautiful. And now, seeing that about half the members are pretty average looking, I'm more certain that I'm also average looking. Which is totally fine. I think I'm smart, which is more useful that beautiful.

I highly doubt I'll talk to anyone from this site let alone meet up with them. For a hot minute I was excited about being "beautiful," so there's that.