What Remains- (Should come before the "I have no willpower entry")

I haven't spoken to Tom in a month. Immediately after cutting him out of my life, I started sleeping better. I opened up to friends and strengthened relationships with the awesome women around me. I felt like an adult for possibly the first time ever. I can do anything I want and I'm free from him monitoring my every moment.

And yet

Once in a while, Tom creeps into my thoughts. My work-bestie Jessica is dating a man who, for a variety of reasons, reminds me of Tom and doesn't seem like a great idea for her. Jessica likes this new guy and I hope I'm wrong and just biased, but he reminds me of Tom so damn much.

So on the one hand, I'm worried for Jessica, but on the other, I see how happy she is with him. And it reminds me how happy I was with Tom. And then I miss him.
When I have a bad date, I miss Tom.
When I want to talk to someone who understands how hard parenting is, I miss Tom.
When I want hear a song that we danced to, I miss Tom.
When I see a preview for a movie we would have liked, I miss Tom.

There's more but you get the point. I know my life is better without him. I know I'm healthier without him. I know our relationship was irrevocably destroyed at the end. There will be no patching it up.  But he was my whole life for so long that its taking me longer to get over him.

When I really think about it, of course I still miss him. Tom insinuated himself into every part of my life. Movies, tv, songs, books, places, meals, phrases, stupid jokes, are going to keep triggering memories and a sense of loss for a while.

Of course, as I do whenever I'm in need of counsel, I turn to Taylor Swift, my messiah. Quoth Taylor:

10 months sober, I must admit 

Just because you're clean don't mean you miss it

10 months older I won't give in

Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it

 Of course, I'm only one month clean, not ten, like Her Highness Taylor. But She's right. I'm clean but I miss Tom. I'm clean and I can't go back to him. It will pass.

I'm an Idiot- One Week Later

I wrote him two letters and spent a week's worth of text messages begging him to forgive me. He acted receptive to the idea, he would give me a glimmer of hope and then get harsh and accusatory.

This morning he changed his Facebook profile picture to him and some other girl.  With his kids in the background. I got played.

Either he's a liar and he's been seeing this girl for longer than the 3 weeks we weren't talking, or he brings randoms around his kids. Either way, its pretty shitty.

I feel like the world's biggest fool. I'm crushed. Its really really over this time.

I Have No Willpower- 3 days later

So Tom is back in my life, kinda, sorta, maybe?

The other day, I just couldn't stand it anymore and I texted him. And we've been talking a bit. And I offered to come out to his place. I really miss what he and I had when it was good. And clearly this whole experiment of being single is...not going well. I don't feel like its settling, I feel like its realizing I had a good man and I let him go because I wanted to slut it up.

I'm sure I'll change my mind in a week or a month or whenever our next fight is. But there's something about him I can't stay away from. So for now I'll continue apologizing and trying to mend the relationship. Wish me luck!

In Case You Weren't Sure...

...I'm a bitch.


George is hilarious. So so funny. He's quick and he just gets my sense of humor. We met up at a bar and chatted for hours. But seeing him in person, he was...not as attractive as his photos. And due to an accident when he was little, he had one tiny hand. Like this:




Another day we went to a movie and he made sure to sit so that his normal sized hand was near me. He held my hand and was very nice but...
It just wasn't quite right. After the movie, he kissed me, just a peck, and we parted ways.

The more I thought about it, the more I was not interested. He wasn't that attractive and he seemed more like friend material. And the part that makes me a bitch, is that the idea of having him touch me with his weird tiny hand was too much to handle.

So went I declined his Facebook invitation to a Super Bowl party and he freaked out and got shitty about it, I had no qualms about cutting him off.

Just

Just how am I an adult? I'm a fucking disaster. I should not be in charge of my own life.  Fuck.

Patrick #3

I just can't. I can't be with this guy any more. I'm not into him. I tried, you guys.

He came over and we talked for 3 hours and really got to know each other. And it was nice and cozy, all cuddled up and talking. And then there was the kissing which is so very good. And then there was the sexing which is not good and will never be good.

Real Talk: Patrick has a needle dick. The length is adequate but there's no girth to it. I didn't get a good look at it the first time because Patrick went rogue and didn't use a condom. Which explains how he accidentally got his last girlfriend pregnant. This time he literally shoved his dick in my face and I very clearly remember thinking, "This is it?" This is it. I can work with bad technique, I can't change his penis. And I'm fully aware that I'm shallow for thinking this, let alone typing it and sharing it with all y'all.

I can see five years into the future with Patrick. I'd be a bored housewife. With a nice car and huge diamond, but I would be sexually frustrated and sleep with the kid's soccer coach or something.

And he's irritating. I'm sarcastic and self deprecating but his jokes straight up piss me off. I said something ditzy the other day and Patrick said, "Good thing you're pretty, because you aren't that smart." Oh really? Interesting.

Patrick is a dad. Cool, great, whatever. But I feel like he tries to "dad" me. We were crossing the street and at an intersection he pulled me back from the curb because he thought I was too close. When I expressed an interest in skydiving someday, he told me that parents shouldn't skydive, its just to risky. *eyeroll*

When I said I was going out drinking with co-workers, he told me to be safe. I know, I know. He's trying to be protective and show he cares about me. I don't care. It feels infantilizing.  My own parents irritate me when they talk to me like that, I don't need another parent telling me stupid things I already know. When I told him I didn't need that kind of help, he told me to just get used to it.

This is the other thing that pissed me off. When I tell him I don't like some way he speaks to me, which has only happened twice, he tells me basically, "That's how I talk and I won't change. You'll just have to get used to it." No, no I think I don't have to get used to it.

I think I'll just be single. I've already deactivated all my online dating profiles because I was so sprung on Patrick. The very thought of reactivating them is exhausting. So I think  I need to do like I said I would at New Years and just call off the Man Hunt. Just be. By myself, And try it on for size.

And if I need a dick that's up to the task, I'm pretty sure I can find one.

Patrick #2

Am I the literal worst? Possibly.

The other day, I came home all tipsy and revved up from making out with Patrick. And now...I'm not that into it.

He took me to a fancy work dinner as his plus one. I like getting dressed up. I like eating. I can get with this. It was a little overwhelming because the other 20 or so people there seemed to know each other. When Patrick first asked me to be his date, I was excited because I took it as a good sign. And it probably is. But I got into some sort of funk and by the morning of this dinner, I was dreading it.

I made it through and Patrick was very appreciative that I went with him. He's basically invited me to be his plus one to the 3 weddings he has to attend this year. I'm feeling a little like a trophy girlfriend. Which I've always thought was the role I was born to play, but maybe I'm wrong.

After dinner Patrick drove me to my car and we made out like fiends and IT WAS ON. so he followed my car back to my house and got naked.  And had sex. It was probably my most disappointing sexual encounter to date.

I've been polling my girlfriends and mom. About half tell me to give it a few more dates and see what happens. Maybe I'm just in a funk. Well, I'm definitely in a funk, but maybe its not about Patrick. The other half say bad sex= not worth it. Which is the other thing, sometimes the first time with a new partner is a little awkward. Maybe its that. Maybe with a little coaching, it will be better. Maybe I shouldn't have to talk myself into this relationship that's only a few weeks old.

Maybe I don't feel strongly about him because there's no drama. And this is the part that makes me The Worst. I know he's a good guy. I know he'd treat me well. And its like its not enough of a challenge for me. I know he likes me waaaaayyyyyy more than I like him at this point. Its too easy and he has the stink of desperation all over him.

I don't want another relationship where I'm trying to make it work because I feel like I'm supposed to. Where on paper, and from the outside, the relationship looks good, looks like what every girl would be lucky to have. But I don't want it. Part of me craves the "will he/won't he" aspect of a new relationship. Will he introduce me to his friends as his girlfriend? Does he see a future?

And Patrick is so fucking "all in" that its overwhelming. As I type this, its January 22, 2015. Patrick has already invited me to events that will not take place until May, July, September and October of this year. He told me to renew my passport so we can go to Europe. He's talked about taking our kids to a theme park when they are older, like YEARS older. We've been talking less than a month.
Slow. Your. Damn. Roll.

I want to like Patrick. I want to let him spoil me and treat me like I'm something special. Why is this so weird?

Brennan

Brennan and I went on two dates. I'm not planning on any more because this dude is so indecisive. Before each date, approximately 634,681 texts were exchanged trying to figure out where to meet up, what time, what day, where to eat.

Brennan asked me what kind of restaurant we should go to. I said I like all types of food, except for pho. Again, he asked me what kind of restaurant we should go to. I suggested burgers or thai food. Homeboy asked me a third time, where should we eat.

I should have given up at that point but all the rest of our texting and phone call were pleasant and I saw potential. I was wrong. So wrong.

for our first date we met up at Gameworks and played a bunch of games and had a few drinks. It was a decent enough time, but I had to keep choosing what game to play next because Brennan couldn't think for himself apparently.

After Gameworks we went to dinner. It was a decent enough time but we split the bill. Then we went and saw a movie.  And sat through it with no contact. I was getting a little confused. Brennan's inability to make a choice about anything was annoying but he was still nice and cute and I was open to him making a move at the movie theater. Nothing.

Then we went to the parking garage. He had parked on a different floor. So when the doors opened on my floor. I got out, thinking he'd walk me to my car, but I stood outside the elevator doors and said "good bye" as the doors closed and took him to his car.

Ugh. Maybe he wasn't into me. He didn't even try to hold my hand and that was probably the worst good bye I've had in a while.

I was ready to write him off when Brennan texted saying that he had fun and wanted to see me the next night. I basically called him on the weird exit, he apologized and said as soon as the elevator doors closed, he realized he'd blown it.

We went out the next night and it was the same deal. Games, dinner, movie. Split checks all around. Brennan had been talking a big game about wanting to kiss me and cuddle with me. So at the theater, I left the arm rest between us in the upright position and left my hand in such a way that I thought conveyed  I was receptive to hand holding. Nothing happened.

This time, Brennan did walk me to my car and give me an entirely chaste hug. Lame. Again I had mentally written him off. Brennan starts up a conversation via text and I cut to the chase and ask WTF. He tells me that at the movie, he didn't make a move because he was waiting for me to make a move.

Over it. It was a learning experience. I want a "take charge" man. Brennan is not that man. I want a man who can pick a restaurant, will walk me to my car, and recognize the damn signs when a girl he likes is giving him the green light to kiss her.

Patrick

I'm a little bit smitten with Patrick. We've been on 3 dates but have been talking for a month or so. He's definitely a good one.  He's a very gentlemanly, he won't let me pay for anything. Its almost annoying. We went to a movie and I was quicker with my credit card and he was a little salty about it.  The next time we went to dinner, before the check came, he asked if I was going to make a fuss if he paid. Message received! I'll shut up and let you pay.

Patrick has a son almost Kiddo's age. He has a career, in fact, he got a promotion and an award at work just this past week. I see potential here. In fact, Patrick asked me to be his "plus one" to a work dinner. He asked a week or so ago and the dinner is tomorrow. I got my nails done and picked out a dress. This is basically the trophy girlfriend role I've been training for my whole life.

In all candor, I'm a little drunk now, so I'm going to just hit publish and hope my grammar errors aren't too crazy. I'm just so happy happy happy right now. Its that magic phase where everything good is possible. See you later, bitches!

Sup

I don't really have a lot to say. I went on two dates with a a guy who was just ok. And then I met someone pretty great. We've been on two dates, but have 2 more planned for next week. Its going really well and I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm so insufferably happy lately that I don't have it in me to write a good, funny, snarky post.

Besides meeting this good guy, I'm doing well at work, I'm happy with my friendships, the ex and I are working well on planning a birthday party, my kid is so smart it blows my mind, and I'm killin it at Trivia Crack. I'm more organized and taking better care of myself. And the Seahawks are looking good.

So far, I like your style 2015.

Once again, I don't care about your boner

What I Got

Based on my previous entries, I'm sure I sound like a negative, no fun person. I go on dates and write pretty scathing reviews. I have a long list of ways guys can fuck it up before I've even met them. I have a long list of what I need to make me want to continue to see a guy. But why am I worth it? Am I?

In an effort to "flip the script" (I hate that phrase, "flip the script" sweet fuck), I need to figure out what I have that would make me worthy of this magical dream guy that I'm looking for. I started kicking this idea around a few days ago but go discouraged because I couldn't come up with anything. Literally nothing.

Except for being semi-slutty. I realized I get down on myself if a guy isn't trying to get in my pants on the first date. "What, I'm not good enough for you? Let's be real, I've got a big rack and an ass that won't quit. Get up on this."

And then I thought about how sick I must be that I only count it as a successful date if he makes it clear that he's interested in me physically. I'm a pretty shitty feminist, insisting I want to be treated as more then my body but then frustrated if a man doesn't appreciate my body. Jesus I'm a mess.

I posed the question to my ladies, so I could steal their answers that apply to me brainstorm. "What do you bring to a relationship?" Here's what I'm working with (besides the big rack and an ass that won't quit.):

1. I'm smart
2. I'm funny
3. I kick ass at all maner of trivia games
4. I'm quick to laugh
5. I have a full time job
6. Mom skillz, if (a big, huge, gigantic "if") we had a kid, I have proof that I can keep a kid alive. And I make really smart, cute babies. 
7. I can bake some mean cookies or brownies or cake
8. I'll totally do your laundry
9. I'm kind (no really, I am!)
10. I have a sense of adventure
11. I'll watch football with you
12. I'm good with names and birthdays, so I'll help you remember to send your mom a card
13. I'm kinda sorta independent, so go out with the guys, go camping, have your own hobbies. I'll entertain myself sometimes.
14. I don't always act it, but I'm classy as shit. I was raised well and you can take me anywhere. Your mom will love me!
15. I'm loyal
16. 

Go The Fuck Away Tom

So I've been detoxing from Tom because a relationship can't work and we can't be friends. We've been talking less and less which is progress. I asked him if he received the Christmas present I sent. He didn't respond so two days later I sent a text saying that if he'll just tell me if the package got there, I'll leave him alone.

Then he's all on my case again. Texting and trying to act like I'm a jerk for not being in constant contact, but offering no explanation for his silence. Which I don't ask about because I don't care and I know he'll make up some elaborate story about why he was too busy to talk to me.

So one fine Saturday, I'm getting ready for a date that I'm really excited about. I even curled by hair, which is EFFORT. So Tom asks what I'm up to, where am I going, who am I going with. The whole line of questioning pisses me off because I don't have to account for my plans to anyone, least of all this dick.

So I answer the question with one or two word answers, just enough to sufficiently answer the question. And he freaks the fuck out. Calling me all sorts of names and telling me to lose his number. I respond "ok" a couple times and "I'm not going to argue about this." Because that's always how he drags me down, telling me I'm a shitty person and then I feel the need to defend myself and then its a whole fight and I'm crying and begging him to take me back.

This time he told me "bye" I said, "ok, feel better!" because he claims to have been in and out of consciousness today (sure, totally) and blocked his number.

Maybe I'm a shitty person, but I think I'll figure it out for myself. Tom keeps saying he's done with me, but now I've called the bluff. I'm done with him. I'm done with him poisoning my self confidence. Poisoning my ability to move forward. Keeping me in purgatory with small bits of flattery.

I'm sure I'll have a night here or there, where I get sad and want him, but I need to remember how he really is, not how I want him to be.

The Curious Case of the Ex Husband

My ex-husband and I get along well enough I guess. We keep each other updated about The Kid and are often in the same place at the same time on purpose with no incident. At first this was THE MOST PAINFUL THING EVER, just being around him. He was my first love and huge part of my life. And sure, I asked for the divorce, but its hard to give up on relationship that was such a big part of my life. But its gotten a little easier, by which I mean, after see him, I'm bummed out, but I don't cry. Anymore.

So since we are all friendly-ish, he took The Kid for a few extra days this week since I had the flu. That was super nice and appreciated for sure, just like when he went out of town for some concert, I kept The Kid for a few extra days.

But then he called me. After he assured me that The Kid is alright, He asked how I was feeling. If I remembered to get the oil leak on my car looked at (nope.). Like checking up on me, in a nice way. So that sounds nice and all, but this is a man who doesn't check up on me. I mean, we'd probably still be together if he gave even a passing interest in my well being.

So whatever his motives may or may not be, I'm parlaying this new found goodwill into a birthday party for The Kid. Last year the ex and I took him to a metro bus tunnel to look at trains and light rail trains go by. I know how lazy and stupid this sounds, but The Kid thought it was The Coolest and made us stay and watch buses for 45 minutes.

But for his 3rd birthday, I'm going to put in some effort and throw a party. And since I'm also trying to be nice, I guess I should include the ex and his family.

Except for his middle brother and his wife, because fuck those two forever.

UPDATE: He called again the next day to ask if I was feeling better. What the shit is this?