Broken

I have an iPad but I don't use it often. Recently the Kid and I went on a little trip and I downloaded some apps and shows onto the iPad. Anyway, getting the iPad out, I was reminded that my texts go to my phone, computer and iPad because they are all linked. There was a whole text convo with Tom from last May.

Because reliving old hurts is my version of self harm, I read through a large part of it. It sucked. We were so in love, I thought. We did favors for each other, Tom took care of me and I took care of him. I was so spoiled. He would come over for a week and help around the house, drive me to and from work and then fuck me all night.

I don't miss him as a person. He was controlling and scary and I'm glad to be rid of him. But I miss the dynamic, I miss the person I thought he was. That version of Tom would have done anything for me. Not just talk, he did several amazing, difficult, selfless things for me. I don't have that anymore.

I know it's not fair to compare the two, because right now I'm reminiscing about the good parts of Tom and the bad parts of Jack, but my relationship with Jack is so much harder. Jack is good to me, he's good to my kid, he's never given me any reason to be afraid of him, he's been kind and funny, he brought soup to me when I was sick. He checks off all the boxes, but I feel like we are going through the motions. I have a deep sense that he's "not that into me."

His biological clock is ticking, I'm here and I'm "good enough." He's not crazy about me, he's just not that into me. I don't know if its because we aren't right for each other or because we need more time. Maybe I'm just feeling low because we haven't seen each other in two weeks (trips, schedule conflicts) we've texted, but no phone calls besides me calling to wake him up.

I can feel him settling. Maybe I am too? I don't know how to separate the good parts of the relationship with Tom and the bad. Tom and I would text constantly throughout the day, even when we were at work. Jack and I don't do that. Is it because Jack isn't a control freak and trusts me? Is it because he's a workaholic? Is it because he just doesn't want to?

N/A

Its been two more weeks. I still hate those voicemails. But they have less power now. I'm not going over these or trying to look back with rose colored glasses. Tom is and was a hateful, cruel person. But the voicemails are laughable because the insults don't hurt now that I've thought about it.

In my messages to Tom (which were not my finest moment, but also not threatening) I knew what his insecurities are and I targeted them because I wanted to hurt him. Its kind of funny to me now because I have insecurities, a long list of them, but Tom didn't know me enough to target those. So he went with generic insults, that are not applicable to me. 

• He called me bald. My hair is graying, sure. But I'm not bald or close to bald. Like most girls, I've joked about going bald when my hair brush gets full of hair, or I feel like I'm shedding excessively. I'm not bald, so this statement doesn't apply to me or hurt me. 
• He made fun of the Seahawks for losing the Super Bowl. As if I had some effect over that? As if I'm not still proud of my team, and impressed that they made back to back Super Bowl appearances? As if his current facebook profile isn't a picture of him in a Seahawk shirt. That I bought him. Next. 
• Tom said I'm raising my son to be a pussy. My son is all of 3 years old. My son is healthy, happy and smart. He has two parents who love him and have a friendly relationship. My son is so blessed to have 4 loving grandparents, 4 great-grandparents, tons of Aunties and Uncles, and a great group of friends. My son is kind and loving. He's gentle with babies and animals. He's thoughtful and curious, stubborn and moody. He's a lot of things, and will grow up to be a lot of things, a pussy is not on that list. 
• Tom said I'm ugly, so ugly that he doesn't know what he ever saw in me and must have been high for the 9 months we were together. I have a fat stack of love letters and little notes from Tom. I have another voicemail where he calls me beautiful and says he loves me. I know for a fact, because he told me, that Tom had Pinterest boards of ideas for how to propose to me, how he envisioned our wedding, gifts and vacations he wanted to give to me. He can deny it and call it whatever he wants now, but he told me I was his other half. Plus for an ugly girl, I seem to have no trouble finding other men who want to date me...
• Tom said I'm a hoe, that I'm like a merry-go-round because everyone's had a ride on me. Nah. Everyone has definitely not had a ride on me. Additionally, the attempts to slut shame me won't work because I'm slut shameless. My value, my identity, my self worth, none of that is tied to how many men I've had sex with. 

The Threats

I got a call from a weird number at work. I let it go to voicemail. It was my pharmacy telling me I have a prescription ready for pick up. So I checked that voicemail, deleted it, cool. I see that my phone has a folder for "blocked voicemails."  What's that? Apparently even though I blocked Tom, he left me three voicemails.

The first two were about what a disgusting slut I am. How I'm raising my son to be a pussy. How ugly I am, how he must have been high the whole time he was with me because I'm so ugly. How I'm going bald (?). How he has my personal and work emails. How he has my parents' cell numbers and he could call and tell them what a ho I am. How he could contact my ex-husband and tell him how I'm like a merry-go-round, everyone's taken a ride on me.  How gross and loose my vagina is because I let guys run a train on me.

The third message was more of the same but also included threats that Tom has friends in my area, that Tom could come over to my city.

I finished the message and realized I was shaking. I walked down the hall to my work BFF Jessica's office, closed the door and told her what was up. She told me I was sort of at fault because I left Tom voicemails saying that he's bald, etc. She said he probably only sent them in the heat of the moment. But the first message was 7 hours after Tom and I last talked and the other 2 messages were 5 hours after the first.

Not feeling any better after talking to Jessica, I texted my mom. I went back to my office and cried and cried. I hate crying at work. Hate hate hate it. So I went to go hide in the bathroom until I could get it together. The president of the firm found me crying in the bathroom so I explained the situation. She, a former prosecutor, advised me to get an order of protection. My mom had advised the same. I freaked out and was against this idea because Tom is in the military. He would get in trouble at work if I got an order of protection. He would get in trouble and get mad. At me.

I went back to my office and tried to cry as inconspicuously as possible. I called a locksmith to change the locks at my house. I called a home alarm company and set up an appointment for them to install an alarm system. I reached out to my friends, including Jay, for comfort I guess. The general consensus was that I should get an order of protection. I know Tom owns guns. The Vice President of the firm (married to the President, and another former prosecutor) came and offered to walk me across the street to the courthouse, to walk me through the process. He used to work in that building and knew all of the domestic violence advocates.

My brain zoomed in on the words "domestic violence."  I was still having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that emotional abuse is a real thing. A very damaging thing and a thing that Tom had done to me. Domestic violence? Is that really applicable here? No one hit me. Sure, I'm scared, but is it so bad?

Yes, foolish girl. It is that bad. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this. But the more friends I've talked to, the more I read, it was a classic case. Tom always wanted to know where I was and who I was with and what I was doing. He would unlock my phone and look through it, if I left is unattended. He would be, by turns, harsh and accusatory, and then romantic and thoughtful. He wanted to keep me from my friends, my parents, even my son. He wanted to be my whole world, wanted me dependant on him. He would tell me that I "was so messed up its not even funny," and "no man in his right mind would ever stay with me," and that "no one will ever love you like I do."

I hope he's right. I hope no one ever does "love" me like that again. I see it all so clearly now, why none of my friends liked him, why my parents hated him, why he wanted me to have such an "us vs. them" mentality. Everyone else was just jealous of our love, Tom would say. No, everyone could see that you were bad news.

I should have known better. Tom never had a kind word to say about any ex he'd ever had, about his sister or even his own mom. I once asked him to name 3 women he respected, and he asked if they had to be living. He couldn't name 3 living women he respected, he needed the dead ones too. I should have run then.

I feel so stupid that I was fooled by him, that I let myself be a victim. He would tell me he loved me in spite of my flaws. Tom made sure I knew just how unloveable I was, and hope grateful I should be that I had him. I stayed with him for so long because being alone seemed daunting and lonely. I was wrong.

Its been a few days and no new voicemails. I unblocked Tom's number so I'll know if he's trying to contact me in any way. I kept the voicemails and a screenshot a threatening text incase I need them at a later date. For now, I've decided to forego an order of protection. I made copies of his business card and included his home address and personal phone number. I wrote a statement on the page too. I made several copies and hid them. Some at home, some at work. I told trusted friends and my boss, that if I ever don't call, don't show up, to call the police, and where the paper with his information is.

If something happens to me, I know it will be Tom. I feel like I've taken precautions. I don't want to antagonize him with a restraining order. And what good would it do anyway? Its a piece of paper. If he wants to hurt me, he will.

Learning to cope

By the time I asked my then-husband to move out, I'd been numb and withdrawn from our marriage for several months. There was an adjustment period. There were tears. There were lonely nights and doubt, but I bounced back, probably too quickly.

Now with the Tom break up, I feel rusty, like I don't remember how to be alone. I think I had better luck pushing Tom from my mind when we took a "break" several months ago because I filled my time with dates. I ran from one man to the next, not investing in anything and keeping everyone at arm's length. I stayed two steps ahead of my feelings at all times, but now I'm letting it all catch up to me. Its brutal.

Something, or sometimes nothing at all, will remind me of him. The text where he calls me a "busted ass hoe" jumps to the forefront of my mind several times a day. It feels like a stab to the heart. I know it hurts, but it should. I need to just feel the damn feelings so I can process them and move past them.

I take a deep breath and try to let the feeling pass. I'm not necessarily trying to avoid thinking about Tom. I know it will happen. I know I need to give myself time and patience.

I know it will get better with time. I know that as I learn to be alone, I'll be ok. I just hope there is a point to this. A lesson I'll learn, a fun or important detour my life will take. I like things to be concrete and definite, but life doesn't work that way.

I'm feeling ok. I'm pretty busy in the mornings and all day at work. At night I'm doing a good job keeping busy with the gym, chores, and Netflix. I'll be busy most weekends in February so I'm hopeful that by the time I have a free weekend in March, I'll had enough time and perspective that I won't freak out about being alone.

I have moments now and then when I think about trying to apologize or mend things with Tom, but that's not practical or healthy. I did call and schedule an appointment with my therapist because I'm concerned why I'm so hung up on a man who 100% of my friends +moms think is an abusive person. I've been seeing my therapist off and on, as needed, for close to five years. And he's good at calling me on my bullshit so I'm hopeful that will be productive.

The Best Medicine

When I woke up this morning I wasn't sure if I was still drunk or hung over. Either way, I made it in to work and its lucky that I did because two of my girls called out sick.

I went out last night with Hannah, who I hadn't met before, and Kate, who I've met once but it was later in the night and I was at least 4 drinks in. So I was charming and awesome, obviously. We met up for late night happy hour and dinner. I had so much fun! These girls are my kind of girls. Over dinner and drinks we gossiped about all sorts of stuff. It felt like I'd known them for much longer.

 
After dinner we went down the street to my favorite hidden bar in Edmonds, which Hannah already knew about (bonus points for her). The 3 of us sat at the bar and made conversation with the bartender and the two men already in the bar. One was a middle aged guy who told a rape joke, and then bought all our drinks. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

That other guy tho. 

He was hot. He wasn't especially articulate and I didn't really care. The guy was Canadian and only in town for one more day until he flew back for whatever the fuck his job was, but it was in Equatorial Guinea. Random but whatever. Kate and Hannah were amazing team players, solid wingwoman. Random Canadian guy and I kept getting closer and closer to each other. Then at last call, he got up and said, "goodnight ladies." and disappeared. Oh well. 

I felt a little like an asshole for spending time at the bar trying to hook up with this guy while Kate and Hannah caught up with each other, but as we left the bar, they said they were bummed that he left too. "We were trying to get you laid!" Damn, such good friends! We made plans to get together again on Valentine's Day to drink and talk more. I can't wait!

And I have Valentine's brunch plans with 3 other girlfriends. And tentative karaoke plans with my neighbor in March. Solid progress on my "be a better friend" endeavor. 

Don't look back

Dear Future Natalie,

Next time you are feeling lonely and unloveable,

Despite Tom playing me like a fiddle, despite this text which is the most vicious thing I've ever had directed at me, part of me is wondering, "Well, maybe if I..."


NO.
NO.
THIS IS BEYOND REPAIR. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES IS ANY SORT OF RELATIONSHIP WITH TOM SALVAGEABLE.

 There is nothing good left here. I'm thinking of the good stuff that is ancient history. Tom is not a good guy. He always was and always will be controlling and ready to throw my mistakes in my face. He will never accept even a fraction of blame for the way the relationship imploded. Everything that every happens to him is some else's fault. Mine, my parents, his ex, his boss, his parents.

He sabotaged me. I deserve to be loved authentically and not manipulated. Tom is a Red Flag personified. He was rude to my parents because they could see right through him. I need to trust my mom more. Why would I willingly go back to a man who is harsh and accusatory every day? Why would I want a relationship with someone who is only kind and sweet when I'm being "good" and "behaving"?

My relationship with my parents and friends is more valuable to me. I don't want to live with someone who would toss recriminations in my face whenever it suited him. I don't want to ride the roller coaster of emotions Tom brings.

The shitty behavior would only escalate, I don't want my kid around someone like that, to grow up with Tom as an example. I don't want to be around someone who will kill my self esteem.

The One will be a man where the relationship has more ups than downs. He will get along with my family and won't manipulate me. Tom is not that guy.

Tom was insecure and resented the break. He felt vulnerable and everything after that point was a passive aggressive payback. Emotionally functional people do not do this. This kind of put downs were not an isolated incident. Even if he had taken me back, I'd always be waiting for the next break up.

If this was happening to any of my friends, I'd tell them they deserve more. If my kid was in a relationship, I'd tell them they deserve more. Why am I willing to put up with him then? Tom emotionally battered me. I feel like he's the best I can do because he made sure I thought that way.

I deserve better than this. I'm going to make a life of my own that I love. I'm going to learn how to love myself and get it through my goddamn stubborn head that being alone is better than being with someone who make me feel bad even half the time.

Tom is possessive, created friction with my parents, strung me along, and scared me when we fought. Stay the hell away from him and anyone like him, you silly, stubborn girl!

Love doesn't hurt like this.

Next Chapter

I stayed in bed all day. Texting with girlfriends. Telling my mom she was right. Again. Watching Gilmore Girls, snuggling with my cats, solving sudoku puzzles and crying intermittently. I didn't eat anything except for a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream. I rounded up the last remaining things he had given me and threw them in the trash. I deleted every picture of him from all my Apple products. Blocked him on Facebook. Deleted his number from my phone.

Around 7 I texted my bonus mom and got her up to speed. She offered to come over and take me out for ice cream but I needed to get out of my house. She was watching crime shows (my fav) so I invited myself over. All the way over, I call Tom's phone, repeatedly like a crazy woman. He blocked my number the night before, because he didn't even have the courage to admit his lies or face the fallout. So I left voicemails. 5 I think. Telling him cruel truths. It made me feel so much better. I also left a message on his office phone, because I knew I hadn't blocked my number on that. That voicemail was very nice. I thanked him for the past week and complimented him on being such an honorable man. Sarcasm, duh.

I watched crime shows for 5 hours with my bonus mom. And while we talked about men and Tom and my future a bit, we mostly talked about everything under the sun. It was a much needed distraction. By the time I left her house, I felt so much better. In the car, driving home alone in the dead of night, spite got the better of me and I sent one more text, to his duty phone, which maybe had me blocked, maybe not. "Karma's a bitch. She'll cheat and leave you too." So cathartic.

By the time I got home, I had a mental list going of all the things I was going to do for me. The hurt and anger has subsided. Sure, they'll spring up in the days ahead, but the healing was beginning. I'd survived without Tom for months. I'd been weaning off of him for the last 6 months or so. I'll be ok. I was hurt. I was surprised that he had the capacity for such cruelty, pointless cruelty, but I wouldn't let him win. Tom won't harden my heart. I won't let his vicious words poison my thoughts or actions. I won't let him keep me from finding love one day.

But that's not the mission at hand. Dating holds no appeal for me now. At the start of January, I deactivated all my online profiles. I have no desire to reactivate them. Now is time to find me. What will make me happy and whole.

All the promises I made and immediately cast aside at New Years. Its back on. I'm going to work on my friendships with my girlfriends.  I already have gal-entines plans with at least 3 other girls (watch Parks and Rec if you aren't familiar with the holiday). I'm going to the gym more. I'm going to learn to do my taxes all by myself. I'm going to actually keep track of my spending and make a goddamn budget. I'm going to plan and throw a 3rd birthday party for my amazing kid. I'm going to take the money that I save and all my weeks of vacations and I'm going to travel. Alone.

I might go to New York or Boston or Washington DC. I'm not ready to go international yet, but I'll work up to it.

All day long my mom, my bonus mom, at least 3 friends have all told me that I'll find love when I least expect it. I'm done worrying about it. Trying to make something happen. For the first time, in my whole damn life, I don't have a man around to "keep me in line." I'm going to have adventures and if romantic love finds me, then it finds me. Its not my focus for now.

The End of Tom

Tom texted me to tell me what a liar and shitty person I am. To call me a hoe and tell me to go fuck myself. To tell me to never contact him again or I'd "get mine." The last one, the semi-threatening text, he sent on his government issued duty phone. No one ever claimed he was a genius.

He didn't really rattle me. I was emotional, but everything I said in my 5 voicemails (I let the crazy get the best of me) was true and not a threat. Tom does have jacked up teeth. He does have a weird ass-acne patch that is pretty revolting. He is going bald, despite his best attempts to comb his hair different ways. He did make some pretty sloppy lies. He doesn't really have any male friends, or friends at all really. He does jump from one relationship to the next with very little time in between. (You could say the same about me, but I realize it and its a work in progress). It is a fact that he has nothing civil to say about any ex, or his sister, or his mom really. Its telling.

So yeah, not my finest moment, but its things I always thought in the back of my mind, but pushed aside because love is looking past other people's flaws. But since he played a week long game to toy with me, I figured I'd give him some real talk.

He has a mean streak. Tom is an emotional abuser. I know this is a fact and I kept ignoring it because when I would be good, he would treat me like I was his world. But if I wasn't available at his beck and call, if I was feisty or wanted to spend time with friends, or my parents, or my son, he would make it A Thing. It was never really love.

I was fresh off a divorce and thought he was different. He wasn't. Tom filled a need that I had at the time. Once I got my feet under me, once my parents saw right through him, I should have known better. But I did what I always do and tried to make the relationship work because I thought (and Tom encouraged the thought) that no one would ever care about me like he did.

So after the mean voicemails, a handful of texts between us and one last nasty phone call, I cried all the tears I have left to cry about Tom. I made it so the 10 or so songs that were special to us won't sync to my phone. I blocked and deleted him from my phone and all forms of social media. I deleted every picture of us or him from my computer. I gathered up his sweatshirt, a shirt he gave me, souvenirs from our vacation, a teddy bear from last Valentines Day (FYI I don't like stuffed animals) and a framed voice wavelength of him saying "I love you" and threw it all directly in the garbage can. It felt so damn good.

I lost close to a year of my life to this bullshit. But the good thing was, I was mostly over him to start. Sure, I let him back into my feelings in the last week and I was mad that he got the best of me. But my karma was due for a hit. And I wasn't in love with him anymore.

I wallowed for most of a day but by the next morning I woke up feeling lighter. I keep having thoughts about what I could have done different or should have done better. And I could have been a better girlfriend, no doubt so I'll take those lessons and apply them to the next relationship I have, whenever that may be. But I also couldn't have made this one work. My parents saw right through him and having parental approval is important to me. Also important is someone that won't try to control my every moment, won't try to break me down so I don't have the confidence to leave, won't try to get me to ignore my kid, my job, my family and my friends.

Onwards and upwards!

What Remains- (Should come before the "I have no willpower entry")

I haven't spoken to Tom in a month. Immediately after cutting him out of my life, I started sleeping better. I opened up to friends and strengthened relationships with the awesome women around me. I felt like an adult for possibly the first time ever. I can do anything I want and I'm free from him monitoring my every moment.

And yet

Once in a while, Tom creeps into my thoughts. My work-bestie Jessica is dating a man who, for a variety of reasons, reminds me of Tom and doesn't seem like a great idea for her. Jessica likes this new guy and I hope I'm wrong and just biased, but he reminds me of Tom so damn much.

So on the one hand, I'm worried for Jessica, but on the other, I see how happy she is with him. And it reminds me how happy I was with Tom. And then I miss him.
When I have a bad date, I miss Tom.
When I want to talk to someone who understands how hard parenting is, I miss Tom.
When I want hear a song that we danced to, I miss Tom.
When I see a preview for a movie we would have liked, I miss Tom.

There's more but you get the point. I know my life is better without him. I know I'm healthier without him. I know our relationship was irrevocably destroyed at the end. There will be no patching it up.  But he was my whole life for so long that its taking me longer to get over him.

When I really think about it, of course I still miss him. Tom insinuated himself into every part of my life. Movies, tv, songs, books, places, meals, phrases, stupid jokes, are going to keep triggering memories and a sense of loss for a while.

Of course, as I do whenever I'm in need of counsel, I turn to Taylor Swift, my messiah. Quoth Taylor:

10 months sober, I must admit 

Just because you're clean don't mean you miss it

10 months older I won't give in

Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it

 Of course, I'm only one month clean, not ten, like Her Highness Taylor. But She's right. I'm clean but I miss Tom. I'm clean and I can't go back to him. It will pass.

I'm an Idiot- One Week Later

I wrote him two letters and spent a week's worth of text messages begging him to forgive me. He acted receptive to the idea, he would give me a glimmer of hope and then get harsh and accusatory.

This morning he changed his Facebook profile picture to him and some other girl.  With his kids in the background. I got played.

Either he's a liar and he's been seeing this girl for longer than the 3 weeks we weren't talking, or he brings randoms around his kids. Either way, its pretty shitty.

I feel like the world's biggest fool. I'm crushed. Its really really over this time.

I Have No Willpower- 3 days later

So Tom is back in my life, kinda, sorta, maybe?

The other day, I just couldn't stand it anymore and I texted him. And we've been talking a bit. And I offered to come out to his place. I really miss what he and I had when it was good. And clearly this whole experiment of being single is...not going well. I don't feel like its settling, I feel like its realizing I had a good man and I let him go because I wanted to slut it up.

I'm sure I'll change my mind in a week or a month or whenever our next fight is. But there's something about him I can't stay away from. So for now I'll continue apologizing and trying to mend the relationship. Wish me luck!

Go The Fuck Away Tom

So I've been detoxing from Tom because a relationship can't work and we can't be friends. We've been talking less and less which is progress. I asked him if he received the Christmas present I sent. He didn't respond so two days later I sent a text saying that if he'll just tell me if the package got there, I'll leave him alone.

Then he's all on my case again. Texting and trying to act like I'm a jerk for not being in constant contact, but offering no explanation for his silence. Which I don't ask about because I don't care and I know he'll make up some elaborate story about why he was too busy to talk to me.

So one fine Saturday, I'm getting ready for a date that I'm really excited about. I even curled by hair, which is EFFORT. So Tom asks what I'm up to, where am I going, who am I going with. The whole line of questioning pisses me off because I don't have to account for my plans to anyone, least of all this dick.

So I answer the question with one or two word answers, just enough to sufficiently answer the question. And he freaks the fuck out. Calling me all sorts of names and telling me to lose his number. I respond "ok" a couple times and "I'm not going to argue about this." Because that's always how he drags me down, telling me I'm a shitty person and then I feel the need to defend myself and then its a whole fight and I'm crying and begging him to take me back.

This time he told me "bye" I said, "ok, feel better!" because he claims to have been in and out of consciousness today (sure, totally) and blocked his number.

Maybe I'm a shitty person, but I think I'll figure it out for myself. Tom keeps saying he's done with me, but now I've called the bluff. I'm done with him. I'm done with him poisoning my self confidence. Poisoning my ability to move forward. Keeping me in purgatory with small bits of flattery.

I'm sure I'll have a night here or there, where I get sad and want him, but I need to remember how he really is, not how I want him to be.

Clean

I'm detoxing from Tom. That Tom. Tom who has consumed nearly a year of my life. I'm feeling more and more confident that I can cut him out of my life because he keeps being so ridiculous.

Two weeks ago, I was falling asleep around 9pm, which is rare for me. Tom and I had been texting and so I let him know that I was going to bed. He got irritated because he wanted to keep talking. My smart mouth said something about how he's frequently been falling asleep early, and not even saying anything to me, just passing out. Which I don't care about a whole lot, but if he's going to be mad at me? Stupid.

We didn't talk for 4 days. And I didn't even notice. But then I did notice and I obsessed about it and texted him. So we talked for another few days.

I live in Seattle. The Seahawks' quarterback is Russell Wilson who is a total cutie, and single. Every Tuesday he visits children at a local hospital. My boss's daughter has had to go to Children's hospital for the last few weeks (nothing major) and I jokingly told my boss that if she sees Russell, to give him my number. I told Tom this and its been radio silence ever since. Knowing him like I do, I know he's pissed. But I'm not sorry. I'm not actually going to meet Russell Wilson. Its just something funny to think about. And I'm sure he's never had a celebrity crush or looked at any other women? Bullshit.

I'm not going to apologize. I asked the girls if I was in the wrong. They said since I have a "plan" to give Russell my number, they can see how he might be hurt, but mostly that Tom's just stupid.

I have more than enough to keep me busy anyway. I think I can finally let this guy go.

Tom. Again.

We had a few good days in a row. I saw something I knew he'd like so I bought it. I was optimistic and thought I'd give it to him for Christmas. I mentioned it to him, but Tom has this annoying habit of not responding for a few hours and then when he does, he acts like my text never happened and just starts talking about the topic of his choice.

Its tricky when he does this because some times there is radio silence because he's busy but sometimes its because he's frustrated with me.

I'm so sick of this shit. I think I just like the idea of him. I like what we had and the future we planned. But I'm never going to stop having a personality so he's never going to stop trying to break me.


I'm never going to be a quiet meek little girl. Even when he'd scare the shit out of me it was never permanent.  I'm never going to be the girl that wants to play 1950s Stepford wife. For one, because I'm a horrible cook and that does not interest me. And for two, because I want more. I love being a mom. I love being in a relationship, when its good. I like having someone to take care of and someone to take care of me. But I have a brain and a job and I'll never stay with someone because I need to. I stay because I want to and because there is good in the relationship. I know I can support myself and my kid, so I don't have to put up with bullshit just to make sure the bills get paid.

I know I'm really lucky. I have my little pity parties once in a while, where I'll be all sad because its hard as hell being a single mom. But I have it better than most.  The kid's dad doesn't give me a dime, but at least he's involved.

But anyways. Tom. After the divorce, I rebounded. Tom was there. He was convenient and he understood. He was the right guy at that time. But I fell into my usual trap of thinking that not only did I need a man, but that he was the only one who would ever want me. Which is stupid. I'm getting better at life on my own. I don't need a man. I'd like to have one, but my self worth is getting better, to the point that I don't have to take being with Tom, who scares me and intimidates me and makes me feel terrible about myself.

So I really want to think I'm done with him. I tried really hard to end things nicely, because I had this stupid idea that he and I could be friends. But we can't. Because he keeps saying awful things trying to rile me up. And he was winning, but I'm done playing this game. And it goes against my nature, but I'm just going to let him have the last word, let him think I'm an awful bitch, let him think that everything is all my fault and he's fucking perfect. Good luck with that, man.

Tom's Back?

Why can't I let this one go?

I know how good things between us can be. I also know how shitty he can make me feel. But if I'm honest with myself, If I wasn't so stubborn and feisty, would he say the things he says that hurt me?

I think I bring it upon myself. His effect on me is like a drug. Everytime I think I've detoxed, I relapse.  When everything's going well and I'm basking in his love, its like laying in the sunshine on a perfectly clear day in May. Its warm and relaxing and I feel satisfied. I feel safe and content.

But then the winds shift.

When he's mad, Tom can be scary. He can be childish. He'll stomp around. He'll hang up on me. He pouts. He tells me I'm rude. That I'm only giving him 30% of my effort. He makes me feel like I need to account for my every movement throughout the day. Like he'd prefer I was on house arrest. In happier times, we talked about getting married, and maybe I'd be a stay-at-home mom. But when he seems controlling, the stay-at-home mom pipe dream sounds like a way to make me dependant on him. To make me behave. Is this a fair thought or am I letting my fear run away with me?

Our fight is the same over and over. He tells me the ways I'm not being a good girlfriend. I tell him that I'm scared to give him my heart. The awful things he said have scarred me. I want to forgive but I know I'll never forget. His refusal to see that what he says and the way he acts is emotional abuse, is a sticking point for me. We can't make progress if he doesn't see that he's at fault too.

He tells me that if I can't give him my whole heart, there is no future. I don't know why everything has to be so black and white and hurried. I don't know why going slow is off the table. I see his point but surely he sees that demanding I let my guard down isn't possible. I don't think that's how emotions work.

I think a part of me knows it can't work. But I want that part to be wrong.

Goodbye Tom

Its over. I think and hope its really over. I feel a small sense of loss, but I pretty much knew this was coming for the last 4 months.

I also feel lighter. I don't have to account for my every movement. If he didn't know where I was, he would either send me a text to the effect of, "I miss you but I don't want to bother you." Which, intentional or not would make me feel guilty. or he would say nothing but later make me feel guilty for being busy.

For the last two weeks, my mom has been in town. We don't live in the same state but my parents have a condo 5 minutes from my house where they stay when they come to visit. My mom is my favorite adult in the world (my kiddo is my favorite non-adult) and she has health issues that make her future uncertain. When she is in town, I try to soak her up because I know our time is finite.

So during our last exchange, Tom is mad that I'm not texting him from the time I leave work until the time I go to bed. I'm not going to be sorry that I'm spending time with my mom and not pausing my conversation or project with her to text this jerk. Tom's dad has health problems and has been slowly declining. I would never presume to demand that Tom interrupt his time with his dad to have some inane text conversation.

We'd been going back and forth for weeks. Are we together? Are we not? My parents hated this guy. My friends and basically anyone I talked to, thought he was a bad idea. It was becoming a universal opinion that Tom was emotionally abusing me. It took me a long time to come around to that. First, because I was ignorant that emotional abuse was even a thing. Second, because I really thought he loved me. I really thought he was The One.

Friday while I was at work, we texted back and forth. Nothing much. We made plans to FaceTime that night once the kids were in bed. After work I spent the evening with my parents, grandma and kiddo. I went home and got kiddo into bed. Tom said something about being up at his parent's house which meant we would not be FaceTiming because the reception up there isn't great. Oh well. I sent him a text and went on with my life.

Saturday, I woke up and there was nothing from Tom. Oh well. He's with his kids and his parents and I had a busy day ahead of me. Saturday night, I'm at a hockey game/birthday party for my mom with about 15 people. I'm having fun and enjoying spending time with a bunch of my favorite people when I notice Tom has texted me, "goodbye."  I respond, "?? ok."

He launches into a tirade that he's been texting me and that he has some issue and he wanted to talk to me and I didn't respond and I clearly don't give two shit about him, etc. etc. I send him a screenshot of my phone showing that between my message to him on Friday, and him saying "goodbye" on Saturday, I've received nothing else. I explain to him that I have no idea what he's talking about. I put my phone away and enjoy the evening.

Sunday evening, once everything else is taken care of, I decide to rip this band aid off once and for all. I text him and basically tell him that he is unbelievable. That I received no texts from him all day Saturday and that its very telling that when he received nothing from me, he didn't try to call, he didn't try to email, he didn't text from his other phone, he didn't worry about me, or do any number of other rational things. He jumped to anger. He responds that I don't text enough from the time I get off work until bedtime. I tell him that my mom has been in town and I've been with her, but in my head I'm frustrated that I have to account for my whereabouts. I'm not on house arrest. I'm not required to give anyone a running commentary of my day.

The conversation deteriorates until I realize Tom has no intention to apologize for the Saturday freak out. I tell him that this isn't working for me. I'm tired of being told I'm rude, that I ignore him, that I'm only giving this relationship 30%. He tells me it doesn't work for him either. Tom tells me he hopes, "whoever has my attention treats me right."

"You mean my kid and my parents? Yeah, I think they will."

Tom- The Story I Don't Want to Tell

So there's this guy, Tom. I've known him a little more than a year. Shortly after we met, we jumped into a relationship super fast. We were both rebounding off of divorces. We had kids around the same age. We moved crazy fast. We lived in different states but he'd come to visit. We talked and texted and wrote letters to each other. He consumed my phone life. We spent every spare minute on the phone. We talked about everything under the sun.

A few months in, he drops the "I love you." I say it back. We're delirious. We're in our own little cocoon of insanity were we are the only people that exist. We know everything about each other. We see each other twice a month or so. He comes to visit me and spoil me, show up with flowers, take me dancing, take me out to dinner. Help around my house without me asking him to. We have a playlist of songs that have special little meanings for just the two of us. We do everything together. We laugh about everything and we never disagree. We live in this perfect little dream world where we have sex four times a day and never tire of each other's company.

I try and tell him that this isn't real life. Its a fun little world, but its not real. We're only together the weekends when our kids are with their other parents. Tom can do his job remotely so he stays at my house for a week sometimes. During these weeks, he drives me to and from work and either texts me all day or comes to meet me for lunch. He tells me he's brainstorming ways to propose to me. He shows me rings. We talk about what kind of house we want to live in. He talks about finding a way to move closer to me. We talk about the things we'll do with our kids together. The vacations we'll have. That once he marries me, Tom thinks I should quit my job and stay home with the kids.

But the magic wears off after a few months.

We text all day. And then at night he asks how my day was. If I say, "you pretty much know, I was talking to you throughout," it angers him. If I don't respond quickly enough, it angers him. If I go out with girlfriends, Tom is jealous and doesn't believe me. If I don't call him on my way home from work, because I call my mom instead, he's jealous.

I feel myself trying to pull away. I don't encourage the talks about him proposing or what our life will look like in ten years. I feel like a pet. He wants to know where I am and what I'm doing all day. Everyday. I feel like I never have a bus ride to just read a book. I used to read 50 books a year and Tom is putting a serious crimp in that.  I never have a free night to binge watch trashy tv. If I don't want to talk or video chat, Tom pouts.

I feel like I'm losing myself. I spend too much effort apologizing to Tom for not being readily available on the phone, for going to pub trivia with friends, for falling asleep without saying goodnight. When he comes to visit he starts picking at me. I'm too quiet in the mornings so I must be mad, he reasons. When I try to explain I'm not fully awake, he acts like I've wounded him.

I have to be willing to stroke his ego. I can never contradict him. Everyone else is wrong and Tom is right. Everyone is conspiring against Tom. Tom and I need to stick together. He tells me no one will ever love me like he does.

And it feels true. I've never had a man that was romantic. Who would write love letters to me. Who would do little things just to make me smile. Who made me feel like the most beautiful woman in any room. When Tom was good, he was very good.

But when Tom was mad he was vicious.

Tom came to visit. He didn't like how much I was texting my cousins or friends, so he would go through my phone. He would find months old text messages that weren't to him or about him, but he didn't like the content and he'd pick a fight. It would be late at night and he would threaten to leave and start the ten hour drive home. I'd beg him to stay or at least wait till morning because I couldn't bear the guilt if something happened and he fell asleep at the wheel.

Tom had a background in the military and law enforcement. He was in great shape and I found him extremely sexy. But that also meant that when he was angry, I knew full well how strong he was. The training he had. Not only did he have a physical advantage, he was a trained interrogator. I never stood a chance in these fights.

One evening we were in my bedroom arguing. Tom got right in my face. I burst into tears. He kept going with his barrage. I asked him to please stop. Please let's take 20 minutes and calm down. Please stop, I'm scared of you right now. He backed away but kept talking and telling me I had no reason to be afraid. That he'd never hurt me.

And he never hurt my physically. But he left scars with his words. I'll never be able to un-hear him tell me, "No man in his right mind would ever stay with you." and "You're so messed up its not even funny." He said sorry later. He said sorry lots of times. But the words ate at me.

When he met my parents, he was weird and standoffish with my dad. He was kind and respectful to my mom but then told me and her different versions of the same story, trying to drive a wedge between us. I tried to defend him to my parents and had a blowup fight with them.

A week or so later, I told Tom we needed to take a break. I wanted to slowly fade away. I knew I couldn't be in this relationship anymore but I was to scared to tell him that. I mailed him all the stuff he left at my house. I wrote a letter thanking him for all the good times, the things he'd taught me, thanked him for loving me.

He mailed me my key and a sheet of paper where he detailed how awful I was.

Even with the hate mail and everything else, all the negativity between us, I couldn't quit him cold turkey. I'd text every few days. Tom would be sweet, would ask me to remember how good things were at the beginning, would ask how we ever got so mixed up.

And that's where we lingered for months. In this weird state where I wanted to be friendly. I missed him. Tom really had been there for me and been my best friend for months. But a romantic relationship with him scared me. My friends tried to warn me, "Tom's emotionally abusing you. Would you want your Kiddo around when Tom gets angry? What would you say if Kiddo was in a relationship like this?" And they were right.

But I couldn't stay away. Tom had some weird hold over me. No matter how much I tried to remember that he made me feel like a prisoner, that he was cruel with his words, that he was petty when we fought, I asked Tom to take me back. And he did.