Asssssshole

Whatever, my son is the coolest. Literally what is even the thought process this guy has?

That's Not Really My Thing....

I guess kudos for being so comfortable with his fetish?

What a Fabulous Offer

 Are you fucking serious? Pass.

Once again, I don't care about your boner

More Than Decoration

I only asked this guy to google Amy Poehler because I thought he'd be able to put the name with a face. But no. He's one of those who made it about whether or not he personally finds her attractive.

First of all, Amy Poehler is beautiful and amazing. But she's more than that. Every woman is. Its sad that some men can only value women if they find them pleasing to look at. 

Oh hey, did you know I'm the reason women can't have equality?

So much yikes. This guy is insane. 

So Nice of You to Write

In the last week or so I've had an increase in messages on OkCupid about the same two themes which are:

1. You are the perfect girl, except you have a kid. And
2. You are the perfect girl, but you swear too much.

To messages like these, I would like to offer a hearty FUCK YOU.

Why even write to someone to tell them that they seem great except for some deal breaking "flaw"? I don't write to random men and say, "You are so damn hot, too bad you seem unintelligent." or "You seem sweet and nice, too bad about your fucked up teeth." 

Every time I get one of these, it bums me out for a minute. My internal monologue, who is an anxious little bitch, says "No one will ever want a single mom. You're going to die alone and no one will notice you're dead and your cats will eat your face."  Worst case scenarios escalate pretty quickly in my head. 

But then, the rest of my sexy, sexy brain says, "Nah, fuck that." I'm excellent. I have a good support system of family and friends. I have the coolest kid. My cats probably won't eat my face.  

And whatever else happens, I have my kid. He's ridiculously smart and sweet. He's turning into such a cool little person. I love his contagious enthusiasm for trains and trucks, the tender care he uses to tuck our cats and his stuffed animals into bed. I always have to pick up the tab when we go out, but he's my favorite date. I'm addicted to his sticky kisses. I love the adventures and jokes we share. 

So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to ignore all the bullshit men on the internet and go shop for some legos for my favorite guy for Christmas. 

The One that Got Away

I got this message from a guy the other day and crowd sourced a response from my girlfriends. My girlfriends are the fucking best. A selection of our responses:

1. Can I fist bump your face?
2. I have a strap on, so maybe your tight butt would be getting pumped. I hope you're not allergic to mayo, that's my pegging lube of choice
3. I like your 1994 Madonna on tour headset
4. Do big hemorrhoids bother you?
5. Is it ok if my cat Mr Fluffy Whiskers watches
6. You look like my brother. That's a big turn on!
7. If I can shave your mullet
8. I've been so constipated lately that might help me shit. 
9. It depends if you're willing to wear the chicken costume
10. Have you heard of Amway?
11. Do you have herpes? Do you want to?
12. No thanks Napoleon Dynamite
13. Your mullet really has my panties dripping
14. Those are the most romantic words I've ever heard! I can't wait for all the first date buttsex we're going to have. And the beautiful buttsex babies we're going to have, who will have my looks, but your lack of social skills.

I picked my favorite two and sent them to him. He read my message but never responded. I guess he'll be the one that got away. I will pine for thee, buttman.

I'm a mean, mean person

This guy. This fucking guy. He spent the whole conversation raggin on some ex named Kiley whose great crime was that she didn't want to go to college? He went on and on about needing to be with an ambitious worker. How he could never be with a woman who wanted to be a stay at home mom (fuck you very much dude). How he has so many goals and he was a master-networker.

And then it turns out he's a pizza delivery driver.

Which, whatever, live your life. But really? You're acting all elitist and high and mighty and you deliver pizzas? C'mon man.

RUDE

I can't even.

Is This Normal?

Observe:

I've only ever dated in Seattle, and barely even that. I have like a year of experience. Is it different in other cities?

I guess to a certain extent, anything not a one night stand is going to be interview-y. "Who are you? What do you like to do? Are you a nice person?" I guess if you're just spitting question after question, yeah, it would feel like being grilled by Barbara Walters. But I like to think I'm a better conversationalist than that. There should be an ebb and flow, a give and take.

And if a guy is polite, he answers the question and then asks for your answer. Observe:

Me: "So, do you have siblings?"

Him: "Yep. Two brothers."

....

You could tell me about them. Older? Younger? Do they live around here? Or at least say, "What about you?" Because recent slut-ventures aside, I want a man that wants to know me. I don't want to have to just start telling my life story to an unwilling audience. I want a man that gives me the feeling that he is curious about the person that I am. Not counting the minutes until he can ask if our genitals should be friends. 

Mr. Presumptuous

I'd been chatting with this dude for not even an hour, and he tries to invite himself over. 

Knowing my Kiddo will be home. 

And this guy has kids of his own. 

Boggles the mind. Do people really let randoms come in contact with their child?

One example of why people suck

 My tinder profile says, in part, "I'm so fucking awesome, you don't even know."
This guy asked if I really am that awesome. I'd been dumped earlier that night so I said, I'm usually pretty awesome, but tonight is an off day.

No idea why he was so rude.

No One Gives a Shit About Your Stupid Boner

I understand that its Tinder. And I understand that the perception is that its just for hooking up. And I understand that I only show you guys the disastrous conversations.

But holy shit, I wish guys could be more subtle. Or gentlemanly. Or polite. Or interested in me as a goddamn human being.

This is a joke right? RIGHT??

Blah, blah, blah, I know everyone has their own kinks, but homeboy over here is just announcing it for all the world to see. The internet is a crazy place y'all.

Tiger = Cock?

Did you know? Besides being #BasicAsFuck those tigers that all the bros pose with in their Tinder pictures are all drugged up. So part of my Tinder profile says, "I hope that tiger mauls you." 

The Wounded Ego

I mean, I like sex, but I personally find that its more fun if I care about the guy and he cares about me. 

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

Maybe I'll just quit all the dating sites, get 6 more cats and morph into an alcoholic cat lady. What fresh hell is this?

Ah romance!

Send me your addresses, I need to get invitations in the mail soon. I'm thinking a winter wedding.

Well, that's…something

Actual pick up lines* said to me or sent to me online
*I think these are pick up lines? Guys are fucking weird.

-You seem tough. I bet you'd do well in prison. (Yeah, so back the fuck up before I shank you)

-You seem like you'd be fun to rob a pet store with. (Points for originality)

-I'm sorry but you're hot (after further investigation, he was apologizing because apparently looking at my full clothed pictures made him physically excited. Ahem.)

-Cn i get to kno u? (Right after you get to know Hooked on Phonics)

-You seem like everything I'm looking for! Too bad you have a kid. (Dafuq? Why even talk to me if you are just going to tell me that Kiddo is a deal breaker? My kid is freaking awesome. #next)

-You're pretty hot for a mom. (Fuck you. I'm hot. Full stop. Shove your backhanded compliment up your ass.)

-XXX (my favorite sports team) sucks. (Cool story. You think as a lifelong fan I'm unaware of my teams inability to win a championship? Is it because I'm a silly girl who doesn't really know sports? Also, in what world did you think shitting all over something I like right after introducing yourself would lead to me wanting to continue this conversation with you.)