Hope

Nine months ago, I never would have thought that a guy like Jack was out there for me.
Now, at another low point in my life, I can't imagine I'll ever be in love, can't imagine getting married or having more babies. Jack shattered me. I let him know all of me, fears, worries, hopes. And for all intents and purposes, he looked at the package I was offering him and said, "No, thanks."
It hurts. I loved him. I let him into my heart, my home, my bed. We had inside jokes and special words. It was brief but it was intense. And at least for me, it was real.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to go on awkward first dates and ask about men's hobbies and jobs. I'm so tired of expending mental energy thinking about "what are we?" "why hasn't he texted?" "Does he like me?"

My friend Kate and I call each other soulmates. We met months ago and clicked in a way that is rare for me. She knows what I need to hear and tells me even if I don't want to hear it. Kate takes care of me and is hilarious. She's the Dorothy to my Blanche. I keep trying to be ok with the idea that I may not find romantic love.

I'm really trying to believe that the right guy is out there. And even if he's not, I have a wonderful son and amazing friends. I don't believe it yet but I'll keep repeating it to myself until I do.

Conflicted

I have a few days distance from the break up with Jack. I'm busy with other stuff and trying to move on. My efforts are hampered by something he said. When he was breaking up with me, he made reference that maybe in the future things could be different. He told me, and he told Trish, that he really cares for me. That maybe when I "get over whatever I'm going through" there is a window of opportunity.

These are the questions torturing me:
Is Jack gone forever or is there a glimmer of hope?
If there is a chance to be with Jack again, do I even want him back?

The day before he broke up with me, Jack told me several times how strong I am, how much stress I'm under and how I handle it so well. He would tell me I needed to keep my parents at arms length because I am continuously seeking approval and comfort from my parents, especially my mom, and I never receive it. My parents are very critical of me. But then Jack left.

If I can't lean on my parents when things are hard, and I can't lean on Jack because he wants nothing to do with me, how am I supposed to be strong?

I feel alone and adrift. I feel reckless. If no one cares about me, why should I care about me? Why should I keep eating or working or sleeping. I want to wither away.

And even if I had another chance with Jack, if he will leave me when things are hard and I'm struggling, why would I want to put myself through this again? As he was breaking up with me, he said something to the effect that he felt like I wasn't relying on him, that I was too self-sufficient. I can't remember the words he used. But I told him, "I don't lean on you because you aren't reliable."

And that made him upset! As he was dumping me, HE was upset that I didn't feel I could rely on him! He was proving my point at that VERY MOMENT.

And yet,

I miss him. Often Jack would say that he needed to step his game up, that he wasn't sweeping me off my feet. I don't want to be swept off my feet. I want real, I want messy, I want difficult, I want the laughs and the tears. I want to know him inside and out and have him know me inside and out. And i don't think its fair to say he didn't sweep me off my feet. I loved him. I still love him, I think. I didn't need big gestures, the way he'd smile when he looked at me, the way he'd actually listen when I talked about my day, that he tried to explain his problems at work to me, I felt like everywhere we went together he was showing me off, the way he'd brush my hair out of my eyes, that was more than enough for me.

 Kate said, and I have to agree, that part of why breakups are so hard, is that not only did I lose Jack, I lost that whole potential future. I have a habit of getting carried away imagining what a relationship will look like 1 year, 5 years, in the future. But its a bad habit because nothing goes according to plan and that just sets you up for disappointment. I'd learned to curb the habit of playing make believe, not longer acting like a tween with a crush writing "Mrs. Blahblah" in notebooks.

But Jack put the ideas in my head anyway. When we together, at different times, he made allusions to getting married, to having babies. He said it was inevitable that we'd live together someday. Did he even believe those things as he was saying them?

That Guy....I mean, Patrick

I'll set the scene. Its a Sunday morning, the kid and I are playing around and have plans at the zoo later. I'm trying to be busy at all time so as to not think about the ex-husband (I'll tell you later) and Jack. At exactly 8AM, I receive a text that says:

"Are you ever going to explain what happened?"

The number wasn't saved in my phone but I did some detective work (search on Facebook). It was this guy. (linkety link) What the hell? I hadn't heard from him in 6 months. I couldn't even remember what fake name I gave him until I looked at old blog entries.

Patrick. Just seeing the text, even before I knew who it was from, sent a jolt of anxiety through me. It felt accusatory. And yeah, I didn't end things as nicely as I could have. I told him I was sorry but I couldn't be in a relationship with him. And then I ghosted, which I know is not very mature, but we'd been on 3, maybe 4 dates, so I didn't feel like I owed him a lot.

It was just so bizarre that I told Kate about it. Kate is an amazing text ghostwriter. She gave me a text that I could copy any past to him but agreed that my initial thought, to just ignore him, was a fine plan.

Six months had gone by. We dated for a few weeks and I had completely forgotten about him except for a discussion with girlfriends about the worst sex we've ever had. Oops. Sorry Patrick. But not sorry enough to respond to your text and get tangled up in drama.

The Trouble with Mothers

Besides counseling, which I'm already doing, can anyone recommend a resource or book on how to deal with batshit crazy parents?

I'm 28 damn years old and am beyond sick of my mom judging the hell out of me about my parenting, about my dating, about my finances, about my attire, etc.

She frustrated me the other day about the whole situation with my ex husband. Today she asked me to call her to catch up. I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and go along to get along (which is almost always a mistake, in any scenario). She launches in with questions: am I still seeing Jack, how often, how much time is Kiddo spending around Jack, etc. (this was before the breakup obviously) The tone of her voice when I answer is such that I can tell she disapproves.

I try to ignore it and keep having a light conversation. Then she started listing people who I could ask to be Kiddo's godmother. I'm not opposed to getting the kid baptized. Its just not high on my to-do list. Whatever. I let this one pass too. Then she asks if I've started saving enough money for Kiddo's school tuition.

First of all he's 3. He won't even start pre-school for a year.
Second of all, I'm a grown ass woman who has written out a timeline of the things I need to do to get ready to send this kid to school.
Third of all, I think its rude as hell to ask about my finances. I have never asked you for money, so its really not your problem.

So I said, calm as could be, Mom sometimes you stress me out with these things, I feel really judged and its unwanted.
She freaked out and was like, "I guess I'll add that to the list of things we can't talk about."
"That's not what I said"
"Well it seems like you just don't want me to make you think about things you don't want to think about."

So I said I think I'd better go and got off the phone because I knew I would no longer be able to speak politely or respectfully.

My Kid is Amazing

The break up with Jack was about a week ago. I'm not doing great. Every time I wake up, from a nap or in the morning, I remember all over again that he's gone. That I let someone see all the ugly parts of me and it made him not want me anymore. So yeah, I'm feeling fragile and trying to fake it till I make it.

Today I went to the zoo with my kid and some friends. I don't remember exactly how the conversation went but I said sarcastically, "Ok then Kate, are you going to be my boyfriend?"
And from the stroller I was pushing, a little voice pipes up, "Mommy, I'll be your boyfriend!" Adorable.

Later we were home playing trucks. Kiddo noticed I was sad.
"Why are you sad Mommy?"
"I have a friend I want to play with, but he doesn't want to play with me."
"Well I'll play with you!"

I love this kid so much.

We had a dance party to a song with completely inappropriate lyrics. We jumped and ran and danced all over the house. Kiddo helped me put away the clean dishes and we had dinner together. We did bathtime and storytime and bedtime. At times, its a little lonely to be home with just a toddler for company. He can talk and communicate great, advanced for his age even, but our topics are limited. But the flip side is that nothing is complicated with Kiddo. Someone won't play with you? I'll play with you. Every problem can be solved within 5 minutes. Every boo boo is healed with a kiss. And Kiddo gave me a lot of kisses.

The Silver Lining

On Monday Jack broke up with me. I felt devastated. Crushed. Unloveable.
On Tuesday I stayed home from work and felt sorry for myself. But my friends kicked into action. Friends I hadn't heard from in months or even years, checked up on me.

Kate has been my biggest cheerleader. She's been texting me all throughout her days, fitting me in between work and school. Reminding me of my worth and validating my feelings. Pointing out that Jack was not blameless and that I am not 100% at fault.

Aly has been texting me as well. Telling me I can and will survive this. That though getting black out drunk isn't advisable, its not the worst sin. She's helped put it into perspective, I didn't get a DUI, I didn't cheat on Jack, I was rowdy. Just rowdy and abrasive, which isn't great but I've apologized and would fix it if I could.

Hannah and I haven't hung out since May so I was pleasantly surprised when she texted to ask if I needed tissues or brownies or anything. She didn't have to say anything, but she did and it means a lot. She had me over, bought me pizza and brownies and let me talk her ear off.

Bob is a friend from college. We were pretty close back in the day. Bob came to my wedding. But since he moved to Oregon, we'd mostly lost touch. But he knew I was hurting so he emailed me. He talked with me. Reminded me that I'm a good, caring, fun person. I told him that part of what hurt is that Jack was the first man in a long time to not make me feel "less than" for being a single mom." Bob was raised by a single mom. He had words of courage and inspiration for me. I'd never have guessed that he would pop up on my radar, but there he was, like no time had passed.

Jessica is a friend I met at work. She was the first non-family visitor to the hospital when Kiddo was born. She is as crazy about Taylor Swift as I am. She moved to Idaho about a year ago and is busy with school. I've been busy with life so we don't keep in touch as much as we would like to. But she called me up and talked with me for about an hour. Until my spirits were lifted, just a bit. She's understandably preoccupied with school and work, but took the time to call. Because we missed each other and she knew I needed it.

Mom wouldn't let me feel sorry for myself. She made me get out of bed and shower. She had me over to her condo to play dominoes. She kept my mind distracted by telling stories for her childhood. She made sure I ate. she took me to get my nails done. She tried to be listening and understanding. As best she could.

Grandma can grate on my nerves. But Tuesday night when I went to my mom's condo, w played more dominoes and worked on a puzzle. When that didn't distract me enough, she told me stories about growing up on a farm with no running water, about WWII and the story of how she met my grandfather. She also gave me great advice, which was: 1) There is a good man out there for me and 2) a year from now, I wouldn't be worrying about Jack. So why worry about it now?

Landrie is a friend I made online in one of my Facebook groups. She's a single mom in Texas and our circumstances are similar. She's beautiful, takes no shit, and give a hell of a pep talk. I'm grateful to have her voice of reason in my head, because she's had the same experiences as a single mom trying to date.

My ex husband, who was a source of stress, has been compassionate. Above and beyond the call of duty, he listened to me explain the demise of my relationship with Jack. He met me for lunch and distracted me with talk about our son. He shared about his dating forays. It felt like a conversation between friends with history. A little awkward, but still, he's known me for years. He knows me as a person and I needed to be reminded that though I'm flawed, I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a good mom, I'm a good, funny, smart person.

And lastly, I'm a member of two special interest Facebook groups. One has about 4,000 members. I get lost in the shuffle because its busy, noisy and fast moving, but I'm so thankful to the women who have supported me. The other group is about 90 women. They've known me for more than 4 years. They check up on me, I bounce ideas off of them, they keep my mind clear.

I felt unlovable, but I'm very loved. Its not romantic love, and maybe I won't find that and I'm certainly taking a break from looking for it, but I am loved. I have a larger support system than I guessed. I know I'll be ok because my friends won't let me fall.

Goodbye Jack

July 5, I woke up embarassed of my drunken behavior the night before. I felt guilty and awful. Jack talked me down. He asked me to stay awhile. He went and got coffee for him and hot chocolate for me. We talked, I cried. He said all the right things and made me feel better, made me feel like I could fix this.

Sunday evening, I ran into him at a show. He acted very different, uncomforatble, like he didn't want to be around me. All day Monday he ignored my texts. Monday evening, I was sick of the silent treatment and called him to break up with him. But he turned the tables by breaking up with me. 

My behavior on the 4th of July scared him. Even if I work on myself, which I need to do anyway, Jack wasn't right for me. I wanted him to be. I wanted not to have introduced my kid to "another random guy." But last night I made a list, "reasons it wouldn't have worked out anyway." I got to 30 without breaking a sweat. So I'm sad that it didn't work because I had fun with him and he could be very sweet and thoughtful, but he wasn't The One.

Its not the worst thing though. Sometimes when I'm dating a guy, I'll get way ahead of myself, picturing the future that could be. But I didn't do that with Jack. I couldn't picture living together.

• He was too particular about the way his clothes were folded. He could never, ever wake up on time and would be hours late to work several times a week. 
• He had so many other side businesses and projects and worked late that I always felt guilty taking up his time. He had a way of making me insecure, and I hated that he brought out that aspect of my personality. 
• He couldn't/wouldn't open up. I feel like there is still so much of him that I don't know. And now I'll never know. 

I took the day off work. I stayed in bed, thinking and writing, and watching Netflix. Food didn't sound appealing, a shower sounded like too much work. I kept turning it all over and over in my mind. I'm a little sad, a little mad, hurt, lonely, it changes minute by minute. 

The good part, which is still kind of shitty, is that I've been through break-ups before. I was relatively new to them before my divorce, before Tom, but now I've lived through some shit. 

I know I need to keep my mind busy. When I feel like there is an emptiness in my day, I need to fill it with something good for my mind, body or soul. When my heart hurts and I feel like I can't breathe, I need to take it minute by minute. Days will pass and I can take it hour by hour. Eventually the thoughts won't sting. There will be a song or a place that will hurt, but the dull, constant ache will fade. 

It hasn't yet, but I know it will. I just have to ride this out.