Update

I have about 20 rough drafts of other dating horror stories that have already happened. So don't you worry your pretty little head, the trainwrecks will keep on rolling. But in real life, in this present moment, I'm falling apart.

And its not just about dudes. Well, its a little about dudes. Kiddo's dad did something that upset me and makes me hurt for Kiddo. An on-again-off again relationship is stressing me out and breaking my heart.

But beyond that, its women that are hurting me. I thought I had a best friend. I leaned on her in this difficult post-divorce time. And it was a mistake. She did small things that bothered me. But I was so desperate to have a friend that I didn't set boundaries or tell her that she hurt me. My mom would tell me to let it go. And then she did something that unequivocally was hurtful and rude and I couldn't let it go. I didn't react great but I apologized when I calmed down.  She didn't apologize and there has been radio silence for a week+. I'm finding out more things about this person and as I sort through my feelings, I don't know if this is someone I can let back in my life.

I'm so frustrated that I've fallen into this pattern again. I will make a best friend and contort myself to help them, be there for them, cheerlead for them and build them up. But I don't get the same in return. I've had flakey friends. I've had dishonest friends. I've had malicious friends. I know I'm the common denominator and I've been reflecting lately. Wondering if I have some fundamental flaw that makes it impossible for me to maintain relationship.

But a friend gave me a counterpoint and I've been working on that thought instead. "Maybe this happens because I let any willing person get too close to me." I need to be a better guard of my heart.