Jack came over last night to exchange items. It was so awkward. I popped an anti-anxiety pill before he arrived because my nerves were so bad. He came in and handed me my stuff. We stood awkwardly and talked. I had my hands stuffed in my pockets, racking my brain, trying to come up with something non-pathetic I could say that I'd been doing in the last two weeks we'd been apart.
We moved to sit on the couch because standing enhanced the awkwardness. There were a lot of times no one said anything for a minute or two. We just looked at each other, and then away. How sad that I loved this man just a month ago and now I couldn't meet his eye or make conversation.
We stumbled along. Talking about our patterns in relationships. Jack's tendency to self-sabotage. My quick temper. Things we wish we could do different. Jack mentioned a potential job offer in LA, and said he was considering it "Since I got dumped and don't have anything keeping me here now."
Since you got dumped? That is so not how that conversation felt to me.
So then we hashed out who dumped who. We talked about how we missed each other. Missed the weird jokes and references that formed a language only the two of us knew. Talked about the futility of trying again. Jack talked about his need to grow up. I talked about my need to be self-reliant.
It felt like Jack thought this whole conversation was pointless, he said we didn't get along. I didn't think that was the case. I got teary because I felt like I was begging for him to give me a chance, pleading for a hopeless cause.
I told Jack that if this was just a weird way of breaking up again, if he was trying to let me down easy, that I would prefer that he just end it and get it over with. Jack insisted that wasn't what he was doing. Said that he just didn't think he could be the right guy for me, the man worthy of me. But that he knew it wasn't fair to keep me in limbo while he tried to grow up, but that he was scared of seeing me find someone else. I told him I didn't want to find someone else, unless he didn't want me, because then, yeah, I'll eventually find someone else.
When we were together, Jack said several times that he needed to step his game up, that he wasn't sweeping me off my feet. I don't need to be swept off my feet, I want something real. I didn't need big gestures, the way Jack would smile when he looked at me, the way he'd actually listen when I talked about my day, that he tried to explain his problems at work to me, everywhere we went together I felt like he was showing me off, the way he'd brush my hair out of my eyes, that was more than enough for me.
I was too teary and tired to keep going around and around with Jack. I said, "Either we end this for good now, or we give it a try, and maybe things won't work out and we'll break up for good next time, or maybe it will work out and we'll go live the life we talked about. We can talk and talk about it, but at a certain point, you take a chance and jump or you don't."
We decided to jump.
He had me promise to be more patient. I had him promise to be more communicative. We both agreed to make an effort to not let outside forces influence us too much. To not discuss our new fledgling relationship with Trish (who set us up originally) or Trish's husband Jeff (who is very anti-Natalie and I don't know why).
I don't know where we go from here. I know what I want, and I know it will take hard work from both of us to make this work. I'm hopeful but nervous.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Monday, July 27, 2015
A Complication I Don't Need
John keeps being around. We took the Kid on an outing. The Kid is always around. I have no need to hang out with John, just the two of us.
Even though I told John I don't want a relationship with him, even though I told him I just want to be friends, he's pushing for more. Again. Not respecting my boundaries and thinking he can change my mind. John has known me for years, but he doesn't really know me anymore. He doesn't know the bullshit I've been through with other men. I'm stronger now. "No" doesn't mean "convince me."
I'm still very hung up on Jack. I want to make things work with Jack. This might be impossible, and it might be a horrible idea, but right now, it's where my thoughts are focused.
I don't want to hurt John, but if he won't leave me alone and stop pushing for more, I'll have to get more direct and blunt. It probably needs to happen. I think John needs the closure. I've been kind and accommodating in the past because he's going to be in my life no matter what, so I wanted us to communicate amicably about Kiddo. I'm worried that if I tell him, "We are never ever getting back together" (Thanks, T Swift) that he'll lash out, or try to make my life more difficult in some way.
Even though I told John I don't want a relationship with him, even though I told him I just want to be friends, he's pushing for more. Again. Not respecting my boundaries and thinking he can change my mind. John has known me for years, but he doesn't really know me anymore. He doesn't know the bullshit I've been through with other men. I'm stronger now. "No" doesn't mean "convince me."
I'm still very hung up on Jack. I want to make things work with Jack. This might be impossible, and it might be a horrible idea, but right now, it's where my thoughts are focused.
I don't want to hurt John, but if he won't leave me alone and stop pushing for more, I'll have to get more direct and blunt. It probably needs to happen. I think John needs the closure. I've been kind and accommodating in the past because he's going to be in my life no matter what, so I wanted us to communicate amicably about Kiddo. I'm worried that if I tell him, "We are never ever getting back together" (Thanks, T Swift) that he'll lash out, or try to make my life more difficult in some way.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Alone
"My alone feels so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude."
I don't know if you can call it a hobby, but I have a notebook. Whenever I find a quote I like, I write in my notebook. I came across the quote above and I have to get back to living that way. I feel like I had that for a few months. I was truckin along with work and being a decent mom. I planned my trip to DC and I was doing things for me.
Somewhere I hit a speed bump. I don't really know what it was, what went wrong. But I know I got clingy and needy and anxious. I hate this. I can see and feel myself doing the wrong thing. Drinking too much. Going out, having erratic sleep, just generally being reckless because I don't care what happens to me. And I can't blame it all on Jack. I have problems with my parents and my ex husband too.
I spent today running a few errands and relaxing. Being happy and content in my own skin, in my own house. Its a skill I need to cultivate more. I need to make a habit of finding healthier ways to fill my time.
I don't know what the point of this is. I just know that when something of note happens, my first instincts are to 1) drink and/or 2) write about it. So I find myself writing. I'll send this out into the void that is the internet. Maybe I think that just writing this out will help me keep myself accountable.
I don't know if you can call it a hobby, but I have a notebook. Whenever I find a quote I like, I write in my notebook. I came across the quote above and I have to get back to living that way. I feel like I had that for a few months. I was truckin along with work and being a decent mom. I planned my trip to DC and I was doing things for me.
Somewhere I hit a speed bump. I don't really know what it was, what went wrong. But I know I got clingy and needy and anxious. I hate this. I can see and feel myself doing the wrong thing. Drinking too much. Going out, having erratic sleep, just generally being reckless because I don't care what happens to me. And I can't blame it all on Jack. I have problems with my parents and my ex husband too.
I spent today running a few errands and relaxing. Being happy and content in my own skin, in my own house. Its a skill I need to cultivate more. I need to make a habit of finding healthier ways to fill my time.
I don't know what the point of this is. I just know that when something of note happens, my first instincts are to 1) drink and/or 2) write about it. So I find myself writing. I'll send this out into the void that is the internet. Maybe I think that just writing this out will help me keep myself accountable.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
572 and Counting...
After the break up, we had no contact for about 10 days. I couldn't stand the dull roar of questions in my head so I typed up some notes. I intended to send Jack an email. I texted him to ask if we were allowed to talk. He said yes. We set up a time to have a phone conversation.
I spent the day with knots in my stomach. (Actually since the breakup I've been so anxious and nervous that I've lost 7 lbs. Silver lining!) At the appointed time I called. I was so glad to have my notes for reference. I was beyond nervous. I apologized again for my actions at the 4th of July party. I outlined the steps I'm taking to improve myself. I asked if he was serious when he told me that maybe we could give it another try some day.
Jack meant it. He said he cares about me. He wants me to be healthy and happy, even if I'm not with him. He thanked me for not bad mouthing him on facebook. He told me he realized he has some growing up to do as well.
It was a good talk. I felt a sense of closure. Even if we never get back together, I'm glad we had that talk. It put some of my fears to rest. Mostly, I just wanted to hear that he still cared because I was really struggling with the fact that 2 weeks prior, we exchanged "I love yous." Jack suggested that he could bring my belongings to my house sometime next week. That we would have no expectations of how this exchange would go, but maybe we'd talk for 5 minutes, maybe we'd end up having dinner together. I told him I had a few of his things as well. He said he didn't care.
"Oh, that sucks because I was keeping your hoodie as collateral. But if you don't care about it, I have no cards to play"
"No, I mean, I want the hoodie, its my only one, but I'd rather my hoodie be with you than anywhere else."
As we ended the conversation, Jack told me he'd call me the next day.
He did not call the next day. Or the day after that. On the evening of the second day, one drink turned into five and I texted him. I asked him what happened to talking like he said. "I said I'd try. I'm still not good at that of course but I said I might talk to you tomorrow."
Bullshit. I'm sick of this bullshit. He was all over Facebook Friday and Saturday. If I was important, he would have found 30 seconds to text me. This is the same fight we've been having as long as I've known him.
I was drunk and sad when I received that text. So I downloaded Tinder to my phone. I wanted a quick self esteem boost and within 12 hours I had 4 men ask me out on dates. I didn't make plans with any of them. I don't intend to go out with anyone.
I needed Tinder for 2 reasons.
1) To distract me. Its a lot easier not to worry when a guy is going to text you, if you're busy talking to a lot of other people.
2) To remind me that I'm attractive. As of writing this, I have 572 tinder matches (some are leftover from the last time I used the app, earlier this year). If Jack doesn't want me, doesn't want to work on the relationship that we both agreed was full of potential, then I'll wait until my heart is more healed, and go out and find a man that loves me the way I deserve to be loved.
I spent the day with knots in my stomach. (Actually since the breakup I've been so anxious and nervous that I've lost 7 lbs. Silver lining!) At the appointed time I called. I was so glad to have my notes for reference. I was beyond nervous. I apologized again for my actions at the 4th of July party. I outlined the steps I'm taking to improve myself. I asked if he was serious when he told me that maybe we could give it another try some day.
Jack meant it. He said he cares about me. He wants me to be healthy and happy, even if I'm not with him. He thanked me for not bad mouthing him on facebook. He told me he realized he has some growing up to do as well.
It was a good talk. I felt a sense of closure. Even if we never get back together, I'm glad we had that talk. It put some of my fears to rest. Mostly, I just wanted to hear that he still cared because I was really struggling with the fact that 2 weeks prior, we exchanged "I love yous." Jack suggested that he could bring my belongings to my house sometime next week. That we would have no expectations of how this exchange would go, but maybe we'd talk for 5 minutes, maybe we'd end up having dinner together. I told him I had a few of his things as well. He said he didn't care.
"Oh, that sucks because I was keeping your hoodie as collateral. But if you don't care about it, I have no cards to play"
"No, I mean, I want the hoodie, its my only one, but I'd rather my hoodie be with you than anywhere else."
As we ended the conversation, Jack told me he'd call me the next day.
He did not call the next day. Or the day after that. On the evening of the second day, one drink turned into five and I texted him. I asked him what happened to talking like he said. "I said I'd try. I'm still not good at that of course but I said I might talk to you tomorrow."
Bullshit. I'm sick of this bullshit. He was all over Facebook Friday and Saturday. If I was important, he would have found 30 seconds to text me. This is the same fight we've been having as long as I've known him.
I was drunk and sad when I received that text. So I downloaded Tinder to my phone. I wanted a quick self esteem boost and within 12 hours I had 4 men ask me out on dates. I didn't make plans with any of them. I don't intend to go out with anyone.
I needed Tinder for 2 reasons.
1) To distract me. Its a lot easier not to worry when a guy is going to text you, if you're busy talking to a lot of other people.
2) To remind me that I'm attractive. As of writing this, I have 572 tinder matches (some are leftover from the last time I used the app, earlier this year). If Jack doesn't want me, doesn't want to work on the relationship that we both agreed was full of potential, then I'll wait until my heart is more healed, and go out and find a man that loves me the way I deserve to be loved.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
A Pattern Emerges
I saw my therapist today. (At least pretend to be surprised that I have a therapist.) I've been seeing him, off and on as needed for 4...5? years. I hadn't seen him in a few months so I had a lot to tell him to get him up to speed. For clarity's sake, we're calling the therapist Bill.
One of the things I wanted Bill's take on was the whole Jack fiasco. Bill helped me see that I have a pattern of depending on a man to take care of me. I have joked for a long time that my Dad would trade me to a Saudi man for 2 sheep and a goat so long as he thought the Saudi could keep me in line. But I had been living my life that way as well.
When I was younger, I depended on my Dad, like kids do. But I also saw my Mom depend on my Dad. A lot. Even now, if my dad dies first, I know my mom will need a lot of help navigating financials and paperwork, etc. Dad handles all that.
Then I got married and depended on John. When I decided he was too unreliable, I depended on Tom. When Tom turned out to be a fucking psycho, I dated and dated and dated until I got tired and took a break.
I did my own taxes.I kept the kid alive and the house standing. I planned, paid for, and took a trip all on my own. I was as independant as I've ever been. But then I came home from my trip, things got serious with Jack and I gave up on myself. I stopped being independent because I thought my White Knight had arrived.
I could feel myself growing clingy and needy and hating it. I think it played a part in the break up with Jack. I swear, once I saw this pathetic pattern, a switch was flipped. I've been enjoying my alone time. I've been keeping myself entertained at home, not drinking, not pestering my friends or parents or Jack or John via text to keep me company.
I see the pattern now. I need to be mindful of it. Even when I eventually get into another relationship, I need to keep standing on my own two feet.
One of the things I wanted Bill's take on was the whole Jack fiasco. Bill helped me see that I have a pattern of depending on a man to take care of me. I have joked for a long time that my Dad would trade me to a Saudi man for 2 sheep and a goat so long as he thought the Saudi could keep me in line. But I had been living my life that way as well.
When I was younger, I depended on my Dad, like kids do. But I also saw my Mom depend on my Dad. A lot. Even now, if my dad dies first, I know my mom will need a lot of help navigating financials and paperwork, etc. Dad handles all that.
Then I got married and depended on John. When I decided he was too unreliable, I depended on Tom. When Tom turned out to be a fucking psycho, I dated and dated and dated until I got tired and took a break.
I did my own taxes.I kept the kid alive and the house standing. I planned, paid for, and took a trip all on my own. I was as independant as I've ever been. But then I came home from my trip, things got serious with Jack and I gave up on myself. I stopped being independent because I thought my White Knight had arrived.
I could feel myself growing clingy and needy and hating it. I think it played a part in the break up with Jack. I swear, once I saw this pathetic pattern, a switch was flipped. I've been enjoying my alone time. I've been keeping myself entertained at home, not drinking, not pestering my friends or parents or Jack or John via text to keep me company.
I see the pattern now. I need to be mindful of it. Even when I eventually get into another relationship, I need to keep standing on my own two feet.
Monday, July 20, 2015
Begin Again
Music has a big effect on my mood, I think it does for most people. All my playlists were created with a mood in mind. A playlist to feel like a bad bitch when I'm getting ready to go out, a playlist that will make me cry if I need to let some tears out, a playlist to hype me up in the morning, etc. You get the picture.
Coming on the heels of this breakup with Jack, I've been getting a lot of use out of my "Over.It." playlist. Its been good for breakups or whenever I'm generally pissed off.
Mostly for breakups, I go through stages. Taylor Swift is at the top of the list but I have a whole lot of lady power to help me get by.
Coming on the heels of this breakup with Jack, I've been getting a lot of use out of my "Over.It." playlist. Its been good for breakups or whenever I'm generally pissed off.
Mostly for breakups, I go through stages. Taylor Swift is at the top of the list but I have a whole lot of lady power to help me get by.
Sad: Taylor. Mariah. Celine. Adele. Selena Gomez.
Mad: Taylor. Alanis. Miranda Lambert. Pink.
Fuck You, I'm Fabulous: Taylor. Beyonce. Britney. Christina. Ke$ha (I can feel your judgment from here and I don't give a single fuck.)I've moved out of the "Sad" phase. I'm had a few all day Taylor marathons in my office. The first week was the hardest but this feels survivable now.
I'm Going To Be Just Fine: Taylor.Whitney. Katy Perry. Demi Lovato.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Case of the Ex
I have to give my ex husband a pseudonym because now I have to talk about him. Let's say John.
After I got dumped I was a wreck.
John saw an opportunity.
He works just blocks from me now and a few days after the Jack breakup, John invited me to lunch. Just as friends.
I agreed for a few reasons. First, I felt like my life was falling apart,so who cares if I made one more poor decision. Second, I've known John since I was 15. He has numerous flaws and faults, but 2 years ago, he knew everything about me. Since he'll always be in my life, I hope he can be my friend. I have no resentment or ill will towards John anymore. And lastly, a small part of me thought he might buy my lunch. I'm willing to go through a lot for a free meal. (I bought my own lunch FYI)
John and I had lunch. I explained my 4th of July antics and resulting consequences. He told me about his new condo and attempts at dating. It was fine if a bit stilted and awkward.
I went back to work that afternoon and a crushing weight of loneliness settled on my chest. John was nice and texted to check up on me. I said I needed a hug but knew that wasn't fair to ask of him. When I left work, there was John at my bus stop. He gave me a big enveloping hug. I didn't need a hug specifically from or from a man per se, I needed physical contact.
John rode the bus with me. He patted my leg. He briefly put his arm around my shoulders.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
Anything I do or say to John he interprets as a sign that there is hope for us. It makes me think I need to act overtly hostile towards him so that I don't get blamed for leading him on.
I had a brief fantasy in my head: What my life could be life if I gave things a chance with John. He had a steady, well paid job now. I wouldn't have to live on such a tight budget. There would be another adult in case I got burned out from Kiddo.
But, I didn't love John romantically. I didn't want him in my bed.
Finally the bus ride was over. He invited me to see his new condo. I accepted the invite because I wanted to see the place where my son will live 50% of the time. Once we got to the condo, John showed me around. He had a slip of the tongue which lead to his confession that my parents had socialized with John on Sunday, without me, after I told them that their relationship with John made me uncomfortable and like they loved me less. I asked them not to have contact with John more than strictly necessary. And they had ignored my request.
Then I got a text that Kiddo's nanny of 3 years was giving her two week notice. John had known for 24 hours but didn't tell me. The brief fantasy I had allowed myself or being financially secure. crashed down. It was just that, a fantasy. John was still the same liar.
I excused myself and drove home because I knew tears were imminent. Mostly the tears were because I felt betrayed by my mom and upset that now, on top of everything, I needed to find new childcare.
That Saturday, John and I took our Kiddo on an adventure. It was fine. I think its good for Kiddo to see that his parents can interact in an amicable way. Saturday night, I couldn't bear to be alone after Kiddo went to bed. John brought over take out and watched a movie with me. I knew I was in dangerous territory with this. Asking him to be around would only make John think that we could be a couple again. At the time, I didn't care. I just wanted someone to sit on the couch with me.
The next day John called. He wanted to talk about us and if we were just friends or if there was something more. I told John I appreciated his friendship. I appreciated bringing me dinner. I appreciated how compassionate he was being.
But
I also told him that I was not interested in a relationship. The situation with Jack had my mind reeling. I was not able to be in a relationship with anymore, let alone John. I also told him that I didn't want to be in a relationship with him because the stakes were too high. In reality, I'm not attracted to him anymore. We have too much history and under no set of circumstances do I want a romantic relationship with him. He hasn't changed.
After I got dumped I was a wreck.
John saw an opportunity.
He works just blocks from me now and a few days after the Jack breakup, John invited me to lunch. Just as friends.
I agreed for a few reasons. First, I felt like my life was falling apart,so who cares if I made one more poor decision. Second, I've known John since I was 15. He has numerous flaws and faults, but 2 years ago, he knew everything about me. Since he'll always be in my life, I hope he can be my friend. I have no resentment or ill will towards John anymore. And lastly, a small part of me thought he might buy my lunch. I'm willing to go through a lot for a free meal. (I bought my own lunch FYI)
John and I had lunch. I explained my 4th of July antics and resulting consequences. He told me about his new condo and attempts at dating. It was fine if a bit stilted and awkward.
I went back to work that afternoon and a crushing weight of loneliness settled on my chest. John was nice and texted to check up on me. I said I needed a hug but knew that wasn't fair to ask of him. When I left work, there was John at my bus stop. He gave me a big enveloping hug. I didn't need a hug specifically from or from a man per se, I needed physical contact.
John rode the bus with me. He patted my leg. He briefly put his arm around my shoulders.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
Anything I do or say to John he interprets as a sign that there is hope for us. It makes me think I need to act overtly hostile towards him so that I don't get blamed for leading him on.
I had a brief fantasy in my head: What my life could be life if I gave things a chance with John. He had a steady, well paid job now. I wouldn't have to live on such a tight budget. There would be another adult in case I got burned out from Kiddo.
But, I didn't love John romantically. I didn't want him in my bed.
Finally the bus ride was over. He invited me to see his new condo. I accepted the invite because I wanted to see the place where my son will live 50% of the time. Once we got to the condo, John showed me around. He had a slip of the tongue which lead to his confession that my parents had socialized with John on Sunday, without me, after I told them that their relationship with John made me uncomfortable and like they loved me less. I asked them not to have contact with John more than strictly necessary. And they had ignored my request.
Then I got a text that Kiddo's nanny of 3 years was giving her two week notice. John had known for 24 hours but didn't tell me. The brief fantasy I had allowed myself or being financially secure. crashed down. It was just that, a fantasy. John was still the same liar.
I excused myself and drove home because I knew tears were imminent. Mostly the tears were because I felt betrayed by my mom and upset that now, on top of everything, I needed to find new childcare.
That Saturday, John and I took our Kiddo on an adventure. It was fine. I think its good for Kiddo to see that his parents can interact in an amicable way. Saturday night, I couldn't bear to be alone after Kiddo went to bed. John brought over take out and watched a movie with me. I knew I was in dangerous territory with this. Asking him to be around would only make John think that we could be a couple again. At the time, I didn't care. I just wanted someone to sit on the couch with me.
The next day John called. He wanted to talk about us and if we were just friends or if there was something more. I told John I appreciated his friendship. I appreciated bringing me dinner. I appreciated how compassionate he was being.
But
I also told him that I was not interested in a relationship. The situation with Jack had my mind reeling. I was not able to be in a relationship with anymore, let alone John. I also told him that I didn't want to be in a relationship with him because the stakes were too high. In reality, I'm not attracted to him anymore. We have too much history and under no set of circumstances do I want a romantic relationship with him. He hasn't changed.
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